HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL WORLD

David: example of a dysfunctional family

David: lessons for dysfunctional families today

Solomon’s Family: results of dysfunctional families

Abigail: picture of codependency

How to Communicate Love (love languages)

By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998

DAVID: EXAMPLE OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

King David is probably one of the best loved people in the bible. The stories of how he fought the bear, lion and even Goliath never cease to thrill us. He was well liked and popular with everyone, even God. He was a skilled musician, a poet, a might warrior and best of all he was “a man after God’s own heart.” Yet all wasn’t perfect in his life. He sinned with Bathsheba, but he confessed that and sought reconciliation with God. Where David failed, however, was with his own family. That is a bad place for a Christian leader to fail (I Timothy 3:4-5). Actually, the groundwork for that failure was set much earlier.

SEEDS OF FAILURE SOWN Ruth and Boaz seemed to have a good, healthy relationship. Not much is known about their son Obed, but his son Jesse seems to have had problems meeting his son’s needs. He didn’t consider David equal to the older brothers (I Samuel 16:4-11). They never learned to treat their younger brother with respect. They were very rude to him when he came to bring them food in the army (I Samuel 17:28-29). Not only was this hard on David, but he didn’t grow up with a good example of how to be a godly father and man. Although he developed a good, mature intimacy with God, it doesn’t seem he ever accomplished this in his family relationships. They are characterized by a lack of emotional intimacy. The sad story starts in II Samuel 11.

SIN PLANTS THE SEEDS OF DYSFUNCTION David wasn’t where God wanted him to be (II Sam 11:1) when his army went to war and ended up committing adultery with Bathsheba (II Sam 11:2-5). When he found out she was pregnant he should have had the courage to face up to his sin. Instead he tried to cover it up, even to the extent of having Bathsheba’s husband killed so no one would know the baby wasn’t his (II Sam 11:14-27). Then he married Bathsheba and ignored everything else. When confronted by God for his sin, David repented and was restored (II Sam 12:13). Still, there were grave consequences to David’s sin.

First, the baby died (II Sam 12:16-18). David never allowed his feelings of grief to surface, he stuffed his pain down and tried to ignore it (II Sam 12:21-23). Then he ignored the emotional impact this must have had on the others in the family. How would his grown children feel when they learned about the adultery and murder? However they felt, there was no open ground for communication. They had to follow David’s example and bury their feelings. David dealt with the sin between himself and God, but never between himself and his family.

DYSFUNCTION REPEATS ITSELF IN THE NEXT GENERATION Family dysfunction often begins with an inability to handle emotions and tends to become more extreme as time passes. Amnon, David’s oldest son, was sexually attracted to his step-sister, Tamar (II Sam 13:1-2). In the same way that David had planned to manipulate circumstances so he could have the woman he lusted after without facing consequences, Amnon planned to do the same thing. He manipulated his father (II Sam 13:6) so he could get in a position to rape his sister (13:11-18). Then when he had to face the consequences of his action he lacked courage to do so, blaming and hating Tamar for it.

As could be expected, Tamar was devastated (13:18-19). Her brother Absalom saw her and suspected what had happened (13:20a). Why hadn’t he done something to head it off? Because in David’s family problems were buried, emotions ignored, and everyone had to pretend everything was all right. In fact, that’s how Absalom responded to Tamar’s desolation. Instead of giving her a hug and some reassurance that justice would be done, he told her, in effect, to not take this seriously because it is a family matter and we must not make a big thing out of it (13:20b).

When David heard about what happened he was furious (13:21) but didn’t take any action to right things, comfort Tamar, or even enforce God’s law which required stoning or at least exile of the guilty party. Everyone had to pretend it never happened.

UNRESOLVED PAIN GOES UNDERGROUND On the surface everything seems smooth, but underneath a storm is raging. David is furious, Tamar’s life is ruined, Amnon hates Tamar, and Absalom hates Amnon. As in dysfunctional families, these feelings do not lessen as time passes but grow stronger.

After two years of denial Absalom moves to end the stalemate. He approaches David about getting the whole family together but David balks at the suggestion. For some strange reason he allowed Absalom to invite Amnon over, although he knew of the problem between them (13:23-27). Direct communication is difficult in dysfunctional families. Change only occurs in crisis situations. This was David’s last chance to resolve this issue in a mature, peaceful way, but he again avoids the whole issue. Thus Absalom, who has lost trust in and respect for his father, takes the issue into his own hands and kills Amnon (13:28-29).

Again David is grieved and Absalom must go into exile, but nothing else is done. Often in dysfunctional families one ‘rebel’ doesn’t play by the rules (ignore the pain, pretend things are OK, cover over all emotions, etc.). He acts out the pain that has not been faced by the rest of the family. The blame for what is wrong in the family gets heaped upon him instead of those who are really responsible. He becomes the scapegoat. In David’s family it was Absalom. In fact, many today still see Absalom as the rebellious son, not understanding the forces that drove him.

For 3 years Absalom was in exile, David not allowing him to return but not handling the root issues, either. This rejection made Absalom’s bitterness grow. He was continually reminded of Tamar’s pain for she lived in his household. That so impacted him that he even named his only daughter ‘Tamar.’ He had never learned from his father how to correctly handle pain and hurt, though.

Finally David allowed Absalom to return from exile and live in Jerusalem. Absalom had to really force the issue to finally, after being back for two years, get to see his father David (14:30-32). It’s important for a child, especially a son, to know where he stands with his father. David kissed Absalom (14:33) but it was very superficial and no change or reconciliation took place, despite Absalom really wanting and needing this. This seems to have been the last straw for Absalom, who has been trying to get things straight for the last seven years since the rape took place.

DYSFUNCTION DESTROYS Absalom now starts telling the people that their king will not hear their needs or complaints, which was really a direct reflection of Absalom’s assessment of his family life. Before long most of the nation was supporting Absalom in a revolt against David (15:1-23). Eventually David’s faithful soldiers were able to put down the revolt and kill Absalom. When he heard of Absalom’s death it seems something broke in David. “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you -- O Absalom, my son, my son!” (18:33). Finally all his grief could no longer be ignored and pushed down, and David is crushed. In fact, he was so carried away in it all that it offended the soldiers who defended David so much that they almost deserted him. Still, though, nothing is really changed. Lives are ruined: Tamar, Amnon, Absalom, even David’s life continues to go downhill from here.

Dysfunctional families are nothing new. Still, they don’t need to be. We can change ours so we don’t pass these things down to our children. What was your family of origin like? Was it similar to David’s family? In what ways? Who in David’s family do you most identify with? What can you do right now to start moving into healthy relationships? Each journey starts with one step. Take your first one now.

By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998

ABIGAIL: PICTURE OF CODEPENDENCY

God created the family to, among other things, provide love and security for children. Children need to feel unconditionally loved and totally secure to mature emotionally into healthy adults. When they don’t feel that from their parents, they must substitute or compensate in some way. They can’t really mature past that until they find unconditional acceptance. Many never find it, and that’s why so many turn to addictive or compulsive behaviors. They are trying to meet a legitimate need, but it will never be met by illegitimate means. I myself turned to sports in college and then good grades in college to impress people, because I needed everyone’s approval. I didn’t think people could like me for myself so I had to do things to earn their approval. This carried over into my ministry when I found myself ‘serving’ others more to meet my needs of approval and affirmation than to meet their needs. With God’s help I have been able to make progress in breaking this, but it is dangerous because it so closely counterfeits Jesus’ commands to die to self and live a life of service to others. Dysfunctional families also cause children to grow up as compulsives and addicts, but these are so obviously we as Christians clearly see their wrong. Codependency is much more difficult to point to as wrong and destructive. Putting others first can seem so virtuous. We even admire the person.

Maybe we should stop and define codependency before we go any further. The way I see it, a codependent person is one who is dependent on another to have emotional needs met. A wife who makes excuses and covers up for her alcoholic husband does so for her own sake, because she needs to feel like she is ‘helping’ him. She is dependent on his doing well for her to feel all right about herself. She cannot leave him to the consequences of his own wrong choices and still feel good about herself. She only finds meaning and purpose as she pours her life into ‘helping’ him, which in effect means she allows his sin pattern to continue. It takes both of them doing their part for his alcoholism to continue.

Codependents are well-adjusted, loving, caring, sincere people. Their love for God and others is true. However they have been programmed from childhood on to take on more responsibility than they should have to have. They can handle high levels of pain with seeming ease. They can give and give and give. However they become deeply angry inside that no one notices the great personal sacrifices they make. They never show the anger, for that would bring rejection. Instead they stuff it inside and it turns to depression and causes them to dysfunction. With an already empty love tank, this extra drain on their emotional battery eventually leads to burnout and apathy. It’s not a pretty picture.

ABIGAIL Seeing this in operation makes it easier to understand. Abigail and Nabal are such a couple. On the outside they seem like they have it all. She is beautiful and intelligent. He is wealthy and successful in business (I Samuel 25:2). However he was surly and mean (3). No one ever held him accountable for his behavior, instead they bailed him out and enable him to continue in it. We see this in the story of Nabal’s encounter with David and his men. Because all of Nabal’s men were busy shearing his 3,000 sheep David was a good neighbor and protected the rest of Nabal’s flocks and herds. When David’s men went to collect their customary payment, Nabal was rude and insulting to them and refused to pay (4-11). David got 400 of his men and marched to destroy Nabal and all his family (12-13), which seems to have been a bit of an overreaction. David isn’t our concern at the moment, though.

Obviously this kind of thing had been happening regularly, for everyone knew what to do. The servants bypassed Nabal and went to Abigail (14-17) who dropped everything and very efficiently handled the situation. She could be counted on to come through, putting the needs of others before her own no matter the personal sacrifices. Codependents feel they need to rescue or fix whatever goes wrong around them. They are great in a crisis and thrive on the responsibility, for it gives them a false sense of self-worth. They feel needed. Abigail came through, gathering much food (18) and taking it to David without telling Nathan (19). Codependents are used to facing problems alone. What is worse, they feel the problem is somehow their fault. If only they had been better or done this or that then the problem wouldn’t have occurred. Abigail actually takes the blame for the whole thing when she meets David (20-25). She says she is at fault because she didn’t find out about David’s men, intercept them, and take care of the issue before they got to Nabal. Talk about enabling someone else to continue in their sin! That’s like the woman who blames herself because her husband beats her, saying it wouldn’t happen if she could just be a better wife.

Codependents are often very able, competent people. They can exert power when necessary. Abigail was able to persuade David to not take revenge (26-35). They are quite good at what they do, with excellent people-skills developed over the years. They are sincerely trying to help others, but things never work out for them, for they don’t do anything to change destructive behavior, they just allow it to continue.

Abigail kept all this to herself, unable to talk to Nabal about it. Because he was drinking she knew she couldn’t talk to him about it right away (36). When she did tell him he got so angry he had a stroke and eventually died (37-38). While his alcoholism contributed to this, Abigail didn’t really help him by constantly bailing him out. She was just carrying on a codependent pattern she had probably learned earlier in life. These things just end up in destruction all around. The story didn’t end nicely for Abigail, either.

Instead of taking time to get her life together (she was financially set for life) and relax for awhile, she immediately married David. She needed to serve someone, and said she would serve David as well as David’s servants (40-41). She never did get the personal relationship with a husband she needed, for David had already had other wives and married several more after Abigail. While excellent in his intimacy with God, David wasn’t the best in his interpersonal relationships with family members. Thus Abigail continued her pattern of giving and not getting for the rest of her life (or until she burnt out). I can almost imagine her blaming herself for David’s multiple wives, thinking it was because she wasn’t wife enough to satisfy him in all ways. Abigail was an excellent, godly woman with a very giving heart. However she never learned that sometimes you can do more for someone by doing less for them. Her poor self image caused her to have to do anything she could to feel good about herself and have others think highly of her. It drove her her whole life.

SOLUTION What about you? If you are unable to say no, feel guilty for not putting others first, neglect your own needs for the sake of others, and they feel drained and resentful about all you must do, you have codependent traits. Doing the same thing out of service for Jesus means being able to say no if that is what is best for the other, not being concerned about who knows what you’ve done or how it all turns out, and you come away with peace and joy because you gave of yourself. When’s it’s done for Jesus it is true giving, when it’s codependency its really done for selfish reasons. Search your heart. Next we’ll see from Joseph’s life how to break this cycle, but for now it’s important to recognize and admit the pattern in your own life. With God’s help it can be broken, but it must be admitted to first of all.