9:00 AM Sunday School
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL WORLD
David: example of a dysfunctional family
David: lessons for dysfunctional families today
Solomon’s Family: results of dysfunctional families
Abigail: picture of codependency
How to Communicate Love (love languages)
By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998
DAVID: EXAMPLE OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
King David is probably one of the best loved people in the bible. The stories of how he fought the bear, lion and even Goliath never cease to thrill us. He was well liked and popular with everyone, even God. He was a skilled musician, a poet, a might warrior and best of all he was “a man after God’s own heart.” Yet all wasn’t perfect in his life. He sinned with Bathsheba, but he confessed that and sought reconciliation with God. Where David failed, however, was with his own family. That is a bad place for a Christian leader to fail (I Timothy 3:4-5). Actually, the groundwork for that failure was set much earlier.
SEEDS OF FAILURE SOWN Ruth and Boaz seemed to have a good, healthy relationship. Not much is known about their son Obed, but his son Jesse seems to have had problems meeting his son’s needs. He didn’t consider David equal to the older brothers (I Samuel 16:4-11). They never learned to treat their younger brother with respect. They were very rude to him when he came to bring them food in the army (I Samuel 17:28-29). Not only was this hard on David, but he didn’t grow up with a good example of how to be a godly father and man. Although he developed a good, mature intimacy with God, it doesn’t seem he ever accomplished this in his family relationships. They are characterized by a lack of emotional intimacy. The sad story starts in II Samuel 11.
SIN PLANTS THE SEEDS OF DYSFUNCTION David wasn’t where God wanted him to be (II Sam 11:1) when his army went to war and ended up committing adultery with Bathsheba (II Sam 11:2-5). When he found out she was pregnant he should have had the courage to face up to his sin. Instead he tried to cover it up, even to the extent of having Bathsheba’s husband killed so no one would know the baby wasn’t his (II Sam 11:14-27). Then he married Bathsheba and ignored everything else. When confronted by God for his sin, David repented and was restored (II Sam 12:13). Still, there were grave consequences to David’s sin.
First, the baby died (II Sam 12:16-18). David never allowed his feelings of grief to surface, he stuffed his pain down and tried to ignore it (II Sam 12:21-23). Then he ignored the emotional impact this must have had on the others in the family. How would his grown children feel when they learned about the adultery and murder? However they felt, there was no open ground for communication. They had to follow David’s example and bury their feelings. David dealt with the sin between himself and God, but never between himself and his family.
DYSFUNCTION REPEATS ITSELF IN THE NEXT GENERATION Family dysfunction often begins with an inability to handle emotions and tends to become more extreme as time passes. Amnon, David’s oldest son, was sexually attracted to his step-sister, Tamar (II Sam 13:1-2). In the same way that David had planned to manipulate circumstances so he could have the woman he lusted after without facing consequences, Amnon planned to do the same thing. He manipulated his father (II Sam 13:6) so he could get in a position to rape his sister (13:11-18). Then when he had to face the consequences of his action he lacked courage to do so, blaming and hating Tamar for it.
As could be expected, Tamar was devastated (13:18-19). Her brother Absalom saw her and suspected what had happened (13:20a). Why hadn’t he done something to head it off? Because in David’s family problems were buried, emotions ignored, and everyone had to pretend everything was all right. In fact, that’s how Absalom responded to Tamar’s desolation. Instead of giving her a hug and some reassurance that justice would be done, he told her, in effect, to not take this seriously because it is a family matter and we must not make a big thing out of it (13:20b).
When David heard about what happened he was furious (13:21) but didn’t take any action to right things, comfort Tamar, or even enforce God’s law which required stoning or at least exile of the guilty party. Everyone had to pretend it never happened.
UNRESOLVED PAIN GOES UNDERGROUND On the surface everything seems smooth, but underneath a storm is raging. David is furious, Tamar’s life is ruined, Amnon hates Tamar, and Absalom hates Amnon. As in dysfunctional families, these feelings do not lessen as time passes but grow stronger.
After two years of denial Absalom moves to end the stalemate. He approaches David about getting the whole family together but David balks at the suggestion. For some strange reason he allowed Absalom to invite Amnon over, although he knew of the problem between them (13:23-27). Direct communication is difficult in dysfunctional families. Change only occurs in crisis situations. This was David’s last chance to resolve this issue in a mature, peaceful way, but he again avoids the whole issue. Thus Absalom, who has lost trust in and respect for his father, takes the issue into his own hands and kills Amnon (13:28-29).
Again David is grieved and Absalom must go into exile, but nothing else is done. Often in dysfunctional families one ‘rebel’ doesn’t play by the rules (ignore the pain, pretend things are OK, cover over all emotions, etc.). He acts out the pain that has not been faced by the rest of the family. The blame for what is wrong in the family gets heaped upon him instead of those who are really responsible. He becomes the scapegoat. In David’s family it was Absalom. In fact, many today still see Absalom as the rebellious son, not understanding the forces that drove him.
For 3 years Absalom was in exile, David not allowing him to return but not handling the root issues, either. This rejection made Absalom’s bitterness grow. He was continually reminded of Tamar’s pain for she lived in his household. That so impacted him that he even named his only daughter ‘Tamar.’ He had never learned from his father how to correctly handle pain and hurt, though.
Finally David allowed Absalom to return from exile and live in Jerusalem. Absalom had to really force the issue to finally, after being back for two years, get to see his father David (14:30-32). It’s important for a child, especially a son, to know where he stands with his father. David kissed Absalom (14:33) but it was very superficial and no change or reconciliation took place, despite Absalom really wanting and needing this. This seems to have been the last straw for Absalom, who has been trying to get things straight for the last seven years since the rape took place.
DYSFUNCTION DESTROYS Absalom now starts telling the people that their king will not hear their needs or complaints, which was really a direct reflection of Absalom’s assessment of his family life. Before long most of the nation was supporting Absalom in a revolt against David (15:1-23). Eventually David’s faithful soldiers were able to put down the revolt and kill Absalom. When he heard of Absalom’s death it seems something broke in David. “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you -- O Absalom, my son, my son!” (18:33). Finally all his grief could no longer be ignored and pushed down, and David is crushed. In fact, he was so carried away in it all that it offended the soldiers who defended David so much that they almost deserted him. Still, though, nothing is really changed. Lives are ruined: Tamar, Amnon, Absalom, even David’s life continues to go downhill from here.
Dysfunctional families are nothing new. Still, they don’t need to be. We can change ours so we don’t pass these things down to our children. What was your family of origin like? Was it similar to David’s family? In what ways? Who in David’s family do you most identify with? What can you do right now to start moving into healthy relationships? Each journey starts with one step. Take your first one now.
By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998
DAVID: LESSONS FOR DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES TODAY
God never makes a mistake. He didn’t make one when he revealed that David -- spiritual giant that he was -- had family problems. The story of David’s family shows that God has a fare greater understanding of and concern for our most intimate family relationships than we realize. Like David, we may be growing spiritually and close to God, yet still struggle in our interpersonal relationships. The solution isn’t to confess, submit or rededicate. It is to understand and work through the negative affects our pasts have had on us.
While having close intimacy with God, David didn’t seem able to have the same intimacy with other people. As a result his family became very dysfunctional. Before long the family broke up and even the nation. It wasn’t until 1947 that the nation was reunited as one. Dysfunction can have far lasting consequences!
From the family of David there are some characteristics of dysfunctional families that we can look at and apply to our families today.
Instead of facing problems, dysfunctional family members cover them up and instead manipulate situations. David tried to manipulate circumstances by passing the blame for his sin to Uriah, and when that didn’t work having him murdered. Parents today manipulate in many ways: “I guess your father and I will just have to spend this Thanksgiving alone....” Guilt, shame or reward are used to manipulate. Love and acceptance is given or withdrawn as a tool to control the behavior of others. This is definitely wrong!
Psychometric illnesses are common in dysfunctional families. Amnon so desired sex with his step-sister that he became physically ill. Some say 80% of all illnesses today have their roots emotional stress and strain. For example, a child with asthma in a high-stress family will generally have more frequent asthma attacks than a child from a more nurturing family.
Pain is avoided or denied in dysfunctional families. David took the route of denial in his affair with Bathsheba. He didn’t face the pain of the death of the baby he and Bathsheba lost. Even though a father will sometimes abuse his children, a wife won’t do anything because the children seem to be doing fine so she says what is happening must not be that bad.
Relational boundaries are broken in dysfunctional families. Amnon felt nothing wrong with having sex with his step-sister. Absalom usurped his father’s role and tried to solve the family problems. When the roles of each in the family aren’t clearly defined and followed along traditional lines something is wrong. When emotional and physical boundaries aren’t set and privacy respected, then again something is wrong.
Emotional reaction instead of healthy response characterized dysfunctional families. David was furious when he heard about Amnon raping Tamar -- but didn’t do anything. Various happenings in his family bothered and upset him, but he never took corrective action.
Trying to change another’s behavior instead of directly communicating with them is common in dysfunctional families. Absalom wanted to solve the family’s problem by having a big get-together where everyone could have a good time with each other. Today, too, fathers often give gifts or things to family members to help them through a hard time instead of sitting down and talking heart-to-heart.
Stopping talking to a family member is one of the wrong ways dysfunctional families handle conflict. Absalom wouldn’t speak to Amnon. David cut off all contact with Absalom for several years. Tamar cut herself off from the outside world. Many people still do that today.
A scapegoat is found to blame for family problems in many dysfunctional families. Absalom was clearly the scapegoat in David’s family. He acted out the pain everyone else felt. He didn’t go along with the ‘rules’ of keeping everything quiet and stuffed within, of blaming ones self and avoiding the real issues. Thus to those in the family HE was the real problem. If he’d have kept quiet all would have been fine! Actually his attempts to do something showed more signs of emotional health than others in the family. The family ‘scapegoat’ has the best chance of moving out of the cycle of dysfunction.
Dysfunctional family members create increasingly serious crises to communicate their pain. Absalom just couldn’t keep his emotions locked in. He created crisis after crisis. He murdered Amnon, set Joab’s fields on fire and started a national civil war. Children in dysfunctional families today may develop eating disorders. They may do other things to get attention: become sexually active, use drugs or alcohol, develop an ‘attitude,’ rebel in any number of ways, even attempt suicide.
Dysfunctional family members hope that the passage of time will heal the problems. After Tamar was raped, no one did anything. Even Absalom waited two years before killing Amnon, then waited five years to see what his father David really thought of him. Dysfunctional families ignore hurts and emotional pain, hoping that time will heal the soul as it does the body. Instead of fading, the hurts go deeper and continue to grow.
Unfortunately it wasn’t only David’s family that has these problems. They are common today, even in the best Christian families. In fact, being a good Christian family doesn’t guarantee immunity from dysfunction. These things are usually passed on from generation to generation: trouble handling emotions, denying feelings, inability to express motions correctly, blaming others, overreacting to small things, etc.
WHAT’S THE SOLUTION? There is no quick and easy solution to this. There is no simple one-two-three step procedure to remove it. These things are learned over time, and must be unlearned over time as well. The first thing to do, though, is to recognize and admit the dysfunction in your family of origin and see how that has carried on into your current family. Feel the hurt and pain that you have been stuffing. A time of anger is natural, but don’t let it set in and fester. Forgive and move on in life. Start changing your behavior by working on the areas God reveals to you as needing work. Wherever He shines the light is where you start changing your behavior. Go by your mind and what you know is right instead of letting your emotions control and dominate. Let your mind explain reality to your emotions. Good, godly counsel can be most helpful in moving this process along quicker. With God’s help and a willingness to work these things through no matter the price there can and will be gradual freedom. The truth really will set you free (John 8:32), don’t fear it! God promises that when He begins to work in your life to make you more like Jesus He won’t stop (Philippians 1:6). Trust Him to do the work. He does a good job!
By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998
SOLOMON’S FAMILY: RESULTS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
Solomon was remarkable! He was unbelievably wise, unimaginably wealthy, immensely powerful and incredibly gifted. He wrote three books of the Bible (Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon and Proverbs). Being David’s youngest son, he seems to have had a closer relationship to his father than his older siblings. Changes were taking place in David over the years. Still, it was too little too late. Imagine how he must have felt when he heard the servants whispering about how his father had his mother’s first husband killed because he had gotten her pregnant, and that that baby had died. How did he respond to his older sister’s despair when rumors of her rape circulated? What about the two older brothers that tickled and played with him -- what was he to think when he found one killed the other and he didn’t see either any more? No one talked to him about these things, and there was no one for him to talk to. This had a deep impact on making him the person he became. He lived out these hurts in his adult life.
Ecclesiastes 2:1-16 chronicles some of the ways he attempted to deal with the inner pain in his life. He filled himself with pleasure, laughter, wine, sex and foolishness. He undertook great projects, building gardens, parks and entire cities. He amassed more wealth than anyone. He educated himself as thoroughly as possible. In the end, he achieved the American dream, but it didn’t help him feel better. Still, everything was empty and meaningless (Eccl 1:2).
From his life we can see traits and characteristics of adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families. This can helps us pinpoint symptoms in our lives so we can get to the root cause and heal them. Below are some of the symptoms:
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families often go to extremes: overachieve or underachieve. For Solomon it was overachieving. He built the temple and a great palace. He was known worldwide for his wisdom. He wrote 1005 psalms and 3,000 parables (I Kings 4:32). Still, it didn’t meet the void in his heart. It was empty (Eccl 1:2).
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families often get addictions. Something is found to deaden pain. For Solomon, by his own admission, it was alcohol (Eccl 2:3; Prov 23:29-35). He seems intimately acquainted with the symptoms of alcoholism. Also, one could say he was addicted to work and sex as well. In order for those who are addicted to get victory today, the hidden pains that are being ignored must surface and be worked through.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families have a hard time with intimacy. Solomon had 600 wives and 300 concubines (I Kings 11:3) -- the ultimate in seeking closeness but not being able to find it. He gave up quality for quantity. He wasn’t able to relate intimately one on one, the same problem his father had. Despite all the people around him, he often talks of his loneliness (Eccl 4:8). Many, many men especially have a hard time with intimacy today. Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families are often unable to have deep, consistent and meaningful relationships with others.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families have trouble labeling and expressing their feelings and emotions. Substitutes are found: sex, power, success, etc. But they don’t satisfy. For all his wisdom Solomon wasn’t able to label his feelings in order to get a handle on them and deal with them in a mature way. He wasn’t able to truly express his needs, his fears, his hurts and his anger. This is another common symptom today.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families often have a pattern of getting into one destructive relationship after another. Solomon married one ungodly woman after another, despite the fact that they turned his and the nation against God (I Kings 11:2). How often do we see a woman go from one abusive man to another, or a young man be used and drained by a succession of selfish women?
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families have trouble doing what they know is right. Solomon knew God’s word and had all wisdom, but he chose sex, alcohol, overwork and pagan idols over the living, true God. Knowing what one should do and then following through on that are very hard for adults who grew up in dysfunctional families. Thus the solution isn’t to educate them about what to do, but to remove the inner pains and bad patters that keep them from doing what they know they should.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families often continue to feel (and sometimes act) like children well into adulthood. Solomon often refers to himself as a little child (I Ki 3:7). Often these adults feel like a small, vulnerable child who doesn’t measure up to the adults around him. A fear of failure and/or rejection permeates everything. Often childlike reactions and behaviors are also present.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families have a hard time handling success. While they strive for it and need it to feel good about themselves, they have a hard time handling it when it does come. Solomon brought Israel to its high point but ended up a failure, not able to handle the role of a great king.
Adults who have grown up in dysfunctional families pass on the family dysfunction to their children. Solomon was influenced by his father David who was influenced by his father Jesse. Perhaps this went back through Obed and Boaz. Solomon then passed these traits on to his son Rehoboam. Instead of trusting the wisdom of those older and wiser than he, he put his own selfish greed first and increased the taxes on the people when he became king. This caused the nation to split. He was unable to take criticism and advice, he couldn’t handle emotions in a mature, open way. What devastation that brings!
WHAT KEEPS DYSFUNCTION GOING? When a child grows up with a deep feeling of worthlessness, inadequacy and failure they affect every part of his life until they are removed. Unless a child has a good, healthy self concept they won’t have confidence or security to feel or express emotions. Everything will be geared to protecting themselves. Substitutes to real love and acceptance will abound, but none will satisfy. Guilt, fear, shame and manipulation will be the controlling factors in life. Only as one finds his security in Jesus’ unconditional love and acceptance can this be broken. If this sounds like you, turn to God for healing, forgiveness and an awareness of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. What better place to start?
By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1998
ABIGAIL: PICTURE OF CODEPENDENCY
God created the family to, among other things, provide love and security for children. Children need to feel unconditionally loved and totally secure to mature emotionally into healthy adults. When they don’t feel that from their parents, they must substitute or compensate in some way. They can’t really mature past that until they find unconditional acceptance. Many never find it, and that’s why so many turn to addictive or compulsive behaviors. They are trying to meet a legitimate need, but it will never be met by illegitimate means. I myself turned to sports in college and then good grades in college to impress people, because I needed everyone’s approval. I didn’t think people could like me for myself so I had to do things to earn their approval. This carried over into my ministry when I found myself ‘serving’ others more to meet my needs of approval and affirmation than to meet their needs. With God’s help I have been able to make progress in breaking this, but it is dangerous because it so closely counterfeits Jesus’ commands to die to self and live a life of service to others. Dysfunctional families also cause children to grow up as compulsives and addicts, but these are so obviously we as Christians clearly see their wrong. Codependency is much more difficult to point to as wrong and destructive. Putting others first can seem so virtuous. We even admire the person.
Maybe we should stop and define codependency before we go any further. The way I see it, a codependent person is one who is dependent on another to have emotional needs met. A wife who makes excuses and covers up for her alcoholic husband does so for her own sake, because she needs to feel like she is ‘helping’ him. She is dependent on his doing well for her to feel all right about herself. She cannot leave him to the consequences of his own wrong choices and still feel good about herself. She only finds meaning and purpose as she pours her life into ‘helping’ him, which in effect means she allows his sin pattern to continue. It takes both of them doing their part for his alcoholism to continue.
Codependents are well-adjusted, loving, caring, sincere people. Their love for God and others is true. However they have been programmed from childhood on to take on more responsibility than they should have to have. They can handle high levels of pain with seeming ease. They can give and give and give. However they become deeply angry inside that no one notices the great personal sacrifices they make. They never show the anger, for that would bring rejection. Instead they stuff it inside and it turns to depression and causes them to dysfunction. With an already empty love tank, this extra drain on their emotional battery eventually leads to burnout and apathy. It’s not a pretty picture.
ABIGAIL Seeing this in operation makes it easier to understand. Abigail and Nabal are such a couple. On the outside they seem like they have it all. She is beautiful and intelligent. He is wealthy and successful in business (I Samuel 25:2). However he was surly and mean (3). No one ever held him accountable for his behavior, instead they bailed him out and enable him to continue in it. We see this in the story of Nabal’s encounter with David and his men. Because all of Nabal’s men were busy shearing his 3,000 sheep David was a good neighbor and protected the rest of Nabal’s flocks and herds. When David’s men went to collect their customary payment, Nabal was rude and insulting to them and refused to pay (4-11). David got 400 of his men and marched to destroy Nabal and all his family (12-13), which seems to have been a bit of an overreaction. David isn’t our concern at the moment, though.
Obviously this kind of thing had been happening regularly, for everyone knew what to do. The servants bypassed Nabal and went to Abigail (14-17) who dropped everything and very efficiently handled the situation. She could be counted on to come through, putting the needs of others before her own no matter the personal sacrifices. Codependents feel they need to rescue or fix whatever goes wrong around them. They are great in a crisis and thrive on the responsibility, for it gives them a false sense of self-worth. They feel needed. Abigail came through, gathering much food (18) and taking it to David without telling Nathan (19). Codependents are used to facing problems alone. What is worse, they feel the problem is somehow their fault. If only they had been better or done this or that then the problem wouldn’t have occurred. Abigail actually takes the blame for the whole thing when she meets David (20-25). She says she is at fault because she didn’t find out about David’s men, intercept them, and take care of the issue before they got to Nabal. Talk about enabling someone else to continue in their sin! That’s like the woman who blames herself because her husband beats her, saying it wouldn’t happen if she could just be a better wife.
Codependents are often very able, competent people. They can exert power when necessary. Abigail was able to persuade David to not take revenge (26-35). They are quite good at what they do, with excellent people-skills developed over the years. They are sincerely trying to help others, but things never work out for them, for they don’t do anything to change destructive behavior, they just allow it to continue.
Abigail kept all this to herself, unable to talk to Nabal about it. Because he was drinking she knew she couldn’t talk to him about it right away (36). When she did tell him he got so angry he had a stroke and eventually died (37-38). While his alcoholism contributed to this, Abigail didn’t really help him by constantly bailing him out. She was just carrying on a codependent pattern she had probably learned earlier in life. These things just end up in destruction all around. The story didn’t end nicely for Abigail, either.
Instead of taking time to get her life together (she was financially set for life) and relax for awhile, she immediately married David. She needed to serve someone, and said she would serve David as well as David’s servants (40-41). She never did get the personal relationship with a husband she needed, for David had already had other wives and married several more after Abigail. While excellent in his intimacy with God, David wasn’t the best in his interpersonal relationships with family members. Thus Abigail continued her pattern of giving and not getting for the rest of her life (or until she burnt out). I can almost imagine her blaming herself for David’s multiple wives, thinking it was because she wasn’t wife enough to satisfy him in all ways. Abigail was an excellent, godly woman with a very giving heart. However she never learned that sometimes you can do more for someone by doing less for them. Her poor self image caused her to have to do anything she could to feel good about herself and have others think highly of her. It drove her her whole life.
SOLUTION What about you? If you are unable to say no, feel guilty for not putting others first, neglect your own needs for the sake of others, and they feel drained and resentful about all you must do, you have codependent traits. Doing the same thing out of service for Jesus means being able to say no if that is what is best for the other, not being concerned about who knows what you’ve done or how it all turns out, and you come away with peace and joy because you gave of yourself. When’s it’s done for Jesus it is true giving, when it’s codependency its really done for selfish reasons. Search your heart. Next we’ll see from Joseph’s life how to break this cycle, but for now it’s important to recognize and admit the pattern in your own life. With God’s help it can be broken, but it must be admitted to first of all.
By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1997
Recently I was exposed to a new way of looking at how we show love to each other. It’s called ‘love languages’ and I’ve found it very insightful and helpful. I’ve been using it in my marriage and pre marriage counseling as well as in my own family and it's been very useful. This is written to pass some of this information on to you. I’ve found the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman very helpful. I hope it helps you.
WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE AFTER THE WEDDING? Every couple I marry is convinced theirs is the love of the century and will last through anything. But usually in a year or two they are either divorced or living with emptiness and distance between them. Everyone wants a love that will last a lifetime, but few find it. Why? What happens after the wedding?
EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE LOVED Love is a basic human need. When we feel unconditionally loved and accepted we feel we can accomplish anything. When we don’t have love we feel empty and lost. If we don’t have the real thing we latch onto a substitute (which doesn’t meet the need). We try to impress others with our appearance, build, brains, personality, skill, accomplishments or possessions. We use sex as a substitute for real love. None of these really satisfy our need for total love and acceptance.
‘FALLING IN LOVE’ Today we have glamorized a phenomena we call ‘falling in love’ and seek to have that meet our love needs. Remember when you first ‘fell in love’? You were obsessed with the other person, that’s all you thought about. Nothing else in life mattered but being with and pleasing that person. Today that feeling is used as our criteria to decide if we are in love and should marry. But look at our divorce rate today, too. What is there about this ‘falling in love’ that dooms relationships based solely on it?
‘Falling in love’ isn’t the kind of love it takes to make a lifetime relationship work. Often we are more taking with loving or being in love than with the other person. We see the other person as perfect and our love as having arrived. It’s an unrealistic time that requires no real sacrifice or facing the self-centeredness in ourselves or the other person. It’s like our sin natures go on hold until we are lured into the trap of thinking life will always be like this. This ‘falling in love’ emotion doesn’t motivate us to stretch and grow for we feel we have already arrived. It gives an euphoria, an illusion, of a close relationship with the other when the fact of the matter is that we really don’t know ALL about the other for we don’t know their weakness’ and sin patterns. It’s an escape from reality, a temporary emotional high. It first hits in early teen years and, since it feels so great, we keep looking for it over and over the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately it isn’t real love. Real love is a free will choice, not something that sweeps us off our feet. That doesn’t mean we can turn love on or off at will, but it means our minds and our rational process is in control, not some vague feeling. Just because something ‘clicks’ between two people emotionally and physically doesn’t mean it is real love. To equate it with true love and seek after it the rest of our lives is to be mislead and disappointed in one relationship after another -- exactly what is happening today! Often this ‘in love’ emotion is used as the criteria to determine if we are still in love and should stay married. Of course that feeling doesn’t last, all studies show it lasts two years at the most. Then what?
Real love has at its foundation a deep friendship between two people and grows from there. Real love takes sacrifice, pain, effort. ‘Falling in love’ requires nothing of us. We are pushed by an emotional force to act differently than we normally act. We become other-centered, attentive, sensitive, yielding, only thinking about meeting their needs. We don’t realize that our real motive in doing this is because it makes us feel good, especially when the other responds to it and we think our love is ‘growing.’ Real love is other-centered, if I get anything out of it or not isn’t the issue. Mistaking ‘falling in love’ for real lifelong love is dangerous, especially when a person married to another imagines themselves ‘falling in love’ with someone else.
Don’t judge your present married love by the unrealistic and temporary emotional euphoria you first experienced when you ‘fell in love’ in the past. Don’t assume you must always have that feeling for your mate. Don’t be alarmed if that feeling has gone. Don’t use that as your judge of real love. That’s not how God loves us, and its not how He requires us to love each other. He expects us to love others we don’t even like. Love is a free will choice to stay loyal and faithful to the person God has shown you He wants you to be married to. Real love means humbling yourself, putting the other first when it hurts, confessing sin, apologizing, changing behavior, forgiving hurts done you without waiting for an apology, overlooking sin your mate is blind to in their life and allowing them to see your faults. No, ‘falling in love’ is not our standard to go by.
HOW FULL IS YOUR EMOTIONAL LOVE TANK? Inside each person is an emotional love tank which much be full for the person to function as he or she should. That’s easy to notice in children. You can tell when their tank is empty for an extended time. Extreme rebellion and bitterness develops, substitutes abound, an very unloving person appears. Adults are better able to hide it when their love tanks are empty, knowing that wrong behavior just brings more rejection and hurt. We put up walls to protect ourselves from further hurt, all the while making a real love relationship with another impossible. Deep inside we await the ‘right’ person to come along so we can safely ‘fall in love’ and live happily ever after. That just leads to one intense but short relationship after another. Living with an empty love tank is miserable. It’s also dangerous. It’s like driving a car with out oil! If You car’s oil container is empty and you drive damage will occur. How full is your emotional love tank right now? How full is your mate’s?
If ‘falling in love’ isn’t the way to permanently and totally fill our love tank, what is? How are we to get our love tank full? How can we fill our mate’s love tank?
COMMUNICATING LOVE There are different languages one can use to convey information between people and even between computers. The same is true of conveying love. Unless both people or computers speak the same language, the information being sent won’t be received. Many times a person’s love tank isn’t full because they aren’t picking up on the love being communicated by another person. There are five main ways of communicating love:
1. Words which speak love - telling the person you love them
2. Worthwhile time spent together - showing love by spending good time together
3. Receiving a gift - giving something to convey love
4. Sacrificial Acts of Service - sacrificially doing something for the other person
5. Physical Touch - touching conveys love
1. WORDS WHICH SPEAK LOVE Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” This was his love language. Words are powerful (Prov 18:21; 12:25), but some people need to hear good things said more than others. If this is how love is communicated to you, you pick up on good things said to you and thrive on them. Little criticisms and negative comments hurt deeply.
For some reason, after marriage people often have trouble telling their mate how they love them. Why is it sometimes so hard to say words which speak love? Often it is our pride that makes us unable to say things we once would have said. We don’t want to humble ourselves, we are afraid of opening up and being hurt. Maybe we are embarrassed by intimacy and see it as a weakness. If we have an unforgiving attitude to our mate we will withhold complements and positive comments. Then, too, if this isn’t the way we like having love communicated to us we won’t realize how important it may be for another person.
2. WORTHWHILE TIME SPENT TOGETHER For some people, ‘talk is cheap’ and they need to be shown love by quality and quantity time together. Having another’s undivided attention is what speaks love to them. This doesn’t mean watching TV together, but focusing on each other or just sitting quietly together doing nothing. It means sharing on a deeper level than just talking about what to have for supper or what the dog did on the rug today. There is a price to pay to have this kind of time: put the children to bed early and don’t answer the phone, or better yet get a baby sitter and go some place where you can spend good time together (not a movie or bowling).
Let me give some suggestions to make sure you ‘connect.’ Give the other person eye contact and keep your mind from wandering. Don’t be doing anything else with your hands, eyes or mind but listening 100%. Listen behind and between the words: what feelings are they conveying. Observe body language, learn to ‘read’ your mate (more true, honest communication takes place this way than with words). By the way, watch your body language. Things like looking at your watch convey volumes. Never interrupt. That is like saying that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. Don’t contradict, argue, deny, defend yourself, etc. Just listen and then talk when it is your turn. Ask leading questions such as: “How did that make you feel?” Give them plenty of time to connect. Remember to follow up later, asking them how something developed or turned out.
3. RECEIVING A GIFT “For God so loved the world that He GAVE...” Some people convey love by giving gifts, others have their love tank filled when given something. This is their love language. It doesn’t have to be something expensive or large -- it truly is the thought that counts. Married couples often do this before marriage and then stop. It doesn’t affect most couples, unless one receives love through having gifts given to them.
4. SACRIFICIAL ACTS OF SERVICE Another way love is seen by people is having someone do an act of service for them: rake leaves, do dishes, cook supper, change diapers, shop, clean bathroom, take trash out, paint a room, take care of the car, etc. Jesus washed the disciples feet. All Christians are called to “serve one another in love,” but some people really need to have this done for them in order to hear love being spoken and their love tank filled.
What makes this hard to do? Again, our pride stands in the way. Down inside we feel others should be serving us instead of us serving them. We are self-centered. We don’t want to do something nice for someone who hasn’t been perfect in their actions or words to us. We feel inferior if we serve someone else. Still, this is very important to do.
5. PHYSICAL TOUCH The last but not least way of communicating love is by physical touch. Some people hate being touched while others really, really need it. For these people sex means much more (in a different way) than it does to others. Jesus touched children who came to him. Today this is a hard love language to communicate. Touching those of the same sex or strangers is really discouraged and often misinterpreted. Someone who needs touch to feel love but has been physical abused may be afraid of the very thing they most need. We must be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others in this aspect, but always remember that, for some people, touch is their life-line to feeling love.
HOW TO DISCOVER YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE Each person has one of these as the primary way they perceived being loved. Knowing this can show why some things mean more to you than others and why you better respond to some people than others. It can help you tell your mate how to better communicate love to you. How can you know what is your language?
What makes you feel most loved by your mate? What do you desire above all else from them? What most quickly and sufficiently fills your love tank? What are the best memories you have of being loved as a child or in marriage?
What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you most deeply? How do they hurt you most deeply? What would you quickest to change about them if you could change anything?
Throughout marriage, what have you most often requested of your mate? They may see it as nagging, but your know how much it means to you?
How do you most naturally show your love to your mate? The way you naturally show love is usually the way you want to be shown love.
WHAT BEST FILLS YOUR LOVE TANK? In order to discover what best fills your love tank fill in the following blanks. Do it for yourself and your mate.
YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE MATE’S LOVE LANGUAGE:
_____ Words of Affirmation _____ Words of Affirmation
_____ Quality Time _____ Quality Time
_____ Receiving Gifts _____ Receiving Gifts
_____ Acts of Service _____ Acts of Service
_____ Physical Touch _____ Physical Touch
What implications and benefits does this have for your relationship? What can your mate do to better fill your love tank? What can you do to better fill theirs?
REPAIRING DAMAGED LOVE What about the couple who has said and done things that have deeply hurt each other? We can’t go back and undo the past, but we can change the future. The “in love” feeling is totally gone, and it won’t be back. Can love return? Yes it can. Love is a free will choice, not a gushy emotion that sweeps us off our feet. God choose to love us despite all we did to hurt Him. His love for us is a free will choice, not a gushy emotion He gets when He thinks of us! Loving someone has nothing to do with liking them -- that would be conditional love. Love “if,” “when,” or “because” isn’t real, unconditional, agape love. You don’t have to like someone to love them. Love doesn’t always come easily or naturally. Showing love often takes effort. Jesus on the cross is the ultimate example of that. That’s why He can tell us to love our enemies (Lk 6:27-32). Real unconditional love is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5) and not something we can work up. We can choose to allow God to produce that fruit in us. Only by asking for God’s help and love can we have real love for others.
Learning to love is like learning a foreign language -- it takes time and practice. Unfortunately we don’t always work at love. Instead of making an effort to show love to our mate, we act worse to them than to anyone else. We are short, rude, critical and often withhold love. We treat strangers nicer, in fact we often treat everyone else nicer than our mate. I Corinthians 13:1-8 describes true love. Read it. Think of each word used to describe love: patient, kind, not jealous or envious, not proud, rude or self-seeking, not easily angered or keeping account of wrongs, etc. These descriptions of love are not emotional feelings but rather mental attitudes and actions which we are to control. It takes a free will choice to be nice to another instead ignoring them or unkind. We need to make that choice and action with our mates.
SPEAKING YOUR CHILD’S LANGUAGE OF LOVE Children, too, have their own individual language of love. Knowing what it is helps to be able to accurately convey love to them. It helps to avoid discipline that will wound them without your being aware of it as well. Harsh words to a child whose love language is words which speak love can be damaging. So can violent spanking to a child who needs physical touch. Isolating a child who craves quality time can really hurt them, too. This doesn’t mean we aren’t to discipline, but we are to be aware of how it affects them. Temperament, birth order and other factors enter into this, too. Looking at one’s childhood in light of this can be very revealing.
A good way to see what your child’s love language is is to sit on the floor and see what they do. Do they crawl on you or sit on your lap (touch), get a book to read (quality time), ask you to play with them (sacrificial act), sit and talk (words of affirmation) or give you a gift (giving gifts)?
GOD’S LOVE LANGUAGE Now that you understand the love languages, think about them in connection with God. Which does God use to show love to man? Which are we to use to show love to God? The answer, of course, is all of them. Usually it is done directly between God and man, but sometimes (especially with touch) God meets our needs through another, and we show Him love by showing it to others. He affirms us (Bible), is always available (time), gave the best gift ever (salvation), is always ready to help us (acts of service), and touches us spiritually and emotionally (physically, too, through others). What a great, wonderful, loving God we have to create such great ways to show love!
