Main Street Baptist Church

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Getting free from the lies and bondage

Jerry Schmoyer - 215-348-8086 jerry@schmoyer.net

INTERNET RESOURCES

www.pureintimacy.org – Focus on the Family’s website (Dr. James Dobson) – much great information about intimacy, sexual addiction and sexuality in general

www.newlife.com – New Life Ministries site, workshops, seminars, podcasts, online counseling, support groups, resources, bookstore, links (Christian perspective)

www.settingcaptivesfree.com – Pure Life Ministry’s website, free courses and resources to help gain freedom from sexual and other addictions

www.everymansbattle.com – New Life’s website, workshops, resources, chat rooms, downloads, weekly newsletter all to help sexual addicts from a Christian perspective

www.purelifeministries.org – Pure Life Ministries website, live-in and at home program, weekend events, help for wives, articles, links and resources (Christian perspective)

http://www.promisekeepers.org/alli16 - much good information from a Christian perspective on understanding and defeating sex, alcohol and other addictions, links to organizations and groups that can help

www.sexaddict.com – Heart to Heart Ministries website, telephone and on-site counseling, spousal help, links and resources (Christian perspective)

www.sexhelp.com – online tests for sexual addiction and other information

http://healthymind.com/s-index.html - by an Virginia doctor, contains information on what sexual addiction is, links to 12-step groups and links to professional counselors

http://www.christiananswers.net/love/supportgroups.html - many good resources and links from a Christian perspective for adducts, wives, friends, abuse victims and anyone battling with sexual issues

http://www.porn-free.org/ - stories, articles and links about pornography and sexual addiction for Christians as well as non-Christians, info for addicts, spouses, family and friends

http://www.porn-free.org/support_groups.htm - list of links to many local and national support groups for sexual addicts or those who care about them

http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionSex.htm - signs and characteristics of sex and love addicts, list of 12 step programs and other links

FILTERS & ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE

www.besafehome.com – Friends and Family Program software, Internet filter, keeps pornographers, hackers, viruses, trojans and spammers from invading your home.

http://www.covenanteyes.com/ - excellent and affordable web site that records every web site, chat room, etc., your computer visits and sends a weekly list of sites that seem ‘dangerous’ to an accountability partner. It’s like having a friend watching over your shoulder every minute you are on the computer.

http://www.pkfamily.com/ PK Family is a Nationwide Internet Service Provider specifically designed to offer its subscribers fast, reliable access to everything on the Internet, except the inappropriate R and X-rated material.

http://www.filterreview.com/ this site reviews and tells about all filters available.

MOVIE, GAMES & MUSIC REVIEW

http://www.christiananswers.net/spotlight

http://www.screenit.com

http://www.gospelcom.net/preview/

RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTERS:

Stonegate,

Larkspur, Colorado

Dr, Henry Schaumburg (author of “False Intimacy”)

10 day intensive counseling program

$4200 per person/couple; $4800 for unmarried or divorced (2 rooms)

www.stonegateresources.com

Bethesda

(based on “Faithful and true”

Woodmont Hills Church

Nashville, Tenn

4 day intensive counseling program $1675

www.bethesdaworkshops.org

New Liberty

New Life Ministries, Dr Steven Arterburn (author of “Everyman’s Battle”)

10 day intensive counseling program, $4,000 plus food

www.everymansbattle.com

Pure Life Ministries

Steve Gallagher (author “At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry,” “Out of the Depths of Sexual Sin”)

6-12 month program $650 with $150 refundable upon completion

www.purelifeministries.org

ORGANIZATIONS FOR SEX ADDICTS

12 STEPS TO VICTORY OVER SEXUAL ADDICTION (based on 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous)

1. Admitted I am powerless over my compulsiveness and that my life had become unmanageable (Rom 7:17 -18; Ps 116:1-9; Jeremiah 9:23 -24; II Cor 12:9)

2. Come to believe that Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit could restore me to sanity (Phil 2:13; Prov 28:26; Rom 5:8; Ps 30:2-3; Mt 8:1-3; Mk 9:24)

3. Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of Jesus Christ (Rom 12:1; Prov 3:5-6; Gal 2:19-20; Ps 40; Mt 11:28-30)

4. Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of myself. (Lam 3:40-41; Ps 139:23; Mt 7:1-5)

5. Admitted to Jesus Christ, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. (James 5:16; I Jn 1:9; Ps 32:1-5; Gal 6:2-3)

6. Am entirely ready to have Jesus Christ remove these defects of character. (James 4:7-10; Jer 10:23; Heb 12:1-2; Hosea 10:12; Micah 7:18-20)

7. Humbly ask Jesus Christ to remove my shortcomings and sins. (I Jn 1:9; Isa 1:18-19; Isa 662; Ps 32:1-2)

8. Make a list of all persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. (Luke 6:31; Mt 5:23 -24; 6:14 -15)

9. Made direct amends to them all except when to do so would injure them or others. (Mt 5:23-24; Mk 11:24 ; Heb 12:1; II Cor 5:19 ; Col 1:20 -21)

10. Continue to take personal inventory and, when I am wrong, promptly admitted it. (I Cor 10:12 , Ps 19:12 , I Cor 10:12 ; Ps 26:2-3; Gal 6:4-5; I Tim 1:19 )

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with Jesus Christ, praying for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. ( Col 3:16; Prov 2:3-5; Ps 1:2; James 5:13 ; Rom 8:26 ; Col 3:16)

12. Have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and try to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all of life (Gal 6:1; I Pt 3:15; Isa 61:1; Ps 96:1-4; Gal 6:1; II Cor 1:3-4)

which 12 step group is best for me (or my partner)?

Approximately 20 years ago a number of people in different areas of the country had the same idea at roughly the same time, namely: "My sexual behaviors are out of control, and I wish there were some 12-Step meetings like AA where I could go for sexual recovery. I know, I’ll just start one!" This explains why we now have 5 separate 12-Step group programs for sex addicts (SA, SAA, SLAA, SCA, SRA). There are 3 organizations for partners of sex addicts (S-Anon, COSA, Co-SLAA), two for couples (RCA, SA-Couples), and one for sex workers). The following is a guide for making your way through the thicket of possible resources.

SA—Sexaholics Anonymous (Website: www.sa.org ). This 12-Step program is the strictest in its definition of sexual sobriety. Masturbation is discouraged, as is homosexual sex. Sobriety is defined as "No sexual behavior outside of a committed marital relationship between a man and a woman." Members are primarily heterosexual men, along with some heterosexual women. Sexual offenders often discover that the strict boundaries of SA are helpful for their recovery. SA is most popular in Southern California and throughout the southern United States. Lists of meetings and other information may be obtained by contacting: SA International Central Office: PO Box 111910, Nashville, TN 37222. Telephone: 615-331-6230, fax: 615-331-6901, email: saico@sa.org .

The partner program to SA is S-Anon (as Al-Anon is to AA) for mates and families

SAA--Sex Addicts Anonymous ( www.sexaa.org ). This program is open to both heterosexual and homosexual men and women who want to learn to abstain from self-defined "bottom-line behaviors" such as compulsive Internet sex, use of prostitutes, massage parlors, and the like. Masturbation is optional, as SAA members are encouraged to develop their own abstinence plan with feedback from sponsors and group members. SAA began in the Minneapolis area, although the headquarters are now located in Houston. So if you live in the Midwest or Texas, SAA might be your first place to start looking for a meeting. SAA meetings are also common in California. SAA International Service Organization: 713-869-4902; PO Box 70949, Houston, TX 77270. The 12-Step partner program for SAA is COSA (see Organizations for wife or family members)>

SLAA—Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous ( www.slaafws.org ). This program is similar to SAA in that both heterosexual and homosexual men and women are welcome to attend. More women tend to attend SLAA because of the emphasis on "love addiction," defined as a pattern of painful or obsessive romantic relationships. Members are encouraged to set appropriate behavioral boundaries with the help of sponsors and group members. This program is helpful for both sex addicts and those who consistently involve themselves in abusive, non-nurturing relationships. SLAA is popular on the East Coast of the United States, especially in New England and Pennsylvania. SLAA meetings are also commonly found in the San Francisco area, in the Pacific Northwest, and in Southern California.; SLAA National Organization: 781-255-8825; PO Box 338, Norwood, MA 02062-0338. The partner program to SLAA is Co-SLAA. (see Organizations for wife or family members)

SCA—Sexual Compulsives Anonymous ( www.sca-recovery.org ). This 12-Step program is primarily attended by gay and bisexual men and some women. In a fashion similar to SAA and SLAA, SCA members develop their own sexual abstinence plans, with group support and guidance from sponsors. There is no formal partners program connected to SCA. SCA meetings are most commonly found in Los Angeles, New York, and Atlanta. SCA National Organization: 800-977-HEAL; PO Box 1585, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10011

SRA—Sexual Recovery Anonymous ( www.sexualrecovery.org ). This 12-Step program began in Canada during the last decade and from there became popular in the New York area and elsewhere. SRA has a strict definition of abstinence for sex addicts (no masturbation), which is similar to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). However, SRA is considered to be much more "gay-friendly" than SA, and defines healthy sex as that which occurs between committed partners who are abstaining from self-destructive sexual patterns. SRA National Organization: 212-340-4650; PO Box 73, Planetarium Station, New York, NY 10024SRA, in Canada: 604-290-9382, or write: PO Box 72044, Bumaby, BC V5H4PQ SRA for partners has some meetings in the New York Area ( http://sexualrecovery.org/sra-anon.htm ).

ORGANIZATIONS FOR COUPLES

SA for Couples . Similar to RCA, with an emphasis on heterosexual couples healing from their intimacy struggles in accordance with the more strict SA sexual guidelines. Contact S-ANON in your local area for possible meetings, especially in Los Angeles and in Tennessee/Georgia.

RCA—Recovering Couples Anonymous ( www.recovering-couples.org ). Both members of a couple attend these 12-Step meetings. Both heterosexual and homosexual couples are welcome: "The only requirement for membership is that you are a couple seeking to restore a caring, committed and intimate relationship. RCA National Headquarters: 314-830-2600; PO Box 11872, St. Louis, MO 63105

ORGANIZATIONS FOR WIFE OR FAMILY MEMBERS

The 12-Step partner program for SAA is COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts). The National contact number for COSA is 763-537-6904. Or write to: COSA National Service Organization; Post Office Box 14537; Minneapolis, MN 55414; Website: www.cosa-recovery.org ; Email: info@cosa-recovery.org

The partner program to SA is S-Anon (as Al-Anon is to AA). S-Anon helps wives and other family members to learn how to set appropriate boundaries, and to focus on their own issues while supporting one another. For information about existing meetings or how to start a new meeting, contact: S-Anon International Central Office; PO Box 111242, Nashville, TN 37222; 615-833-3152; Email: sanon@sanon.org Web site: www.sanon.org ; S-Anon (national): 615-833-3152 ( www.sanon.org ); S-Anon (CA): 818-973-2235

The partner program to SLAA is Co-SLAA. There are Co-SLAA meetings available in the Boston, Philadelphia, and San Francisco metropolitan areas, but not in Los Angeles.

RCA—Recovering Couples Anonymous ( www.recovering-couples.org ). Both members of a couple attend these 12-Step meetings. Both heterosexual and homosexual couples are welcome: "The only requirement for membership is that you are a couple seeking to restore a caring, committed and intimate relationship. RCA National Headquarters: 314-830-2600; PO Box 11872, St. Louis, MO 63105

LOCAL PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS

Counseling Associates (Christ Centered Counseling)

Professional counselors

1-800-304-HELP (215-997-7770; 610-282-2575)

Offices in Coopersburg and Montgomeryville

Randy & Marsha Hicks

Counseling office is in Main Street Baptist Church

(215) 766-1716 RandallBH@aol.com

LOCAL SUPPORT GROUPS

Calvary Church – Souderton

Doug Rohrman, 215-723-0963

Excellent groups for addicts and also for wives of addicts

Confidential mailbox to leave messages: 215-723-1653 ext 176

Calvary Chapel – Chalfont

150 E Butler Ave - (215) 822-4012

talk to David Moore

meetings are Thursdays 7 PM

Friendship Ministry

Men’s Purity Ministry – sponsored by New Hope Community Church

Meetings Thursday, 7 PM, at the Life Abundant office, 156 Green St, Doylestown, PA

www.newhopechurchpa.org/friendshipministries

contact Mel Everson 215-862-3876

Faithful and True

Church on the Move, Allentown, PA

Drew Taylor, 610-428-7980 or leave message at 610-434-3117 ext 47

This is perhaps the most effective and experienced support group in the area. They also have groups for spouses of sex addicts (wives)

ANA – National Association of Recovered Addicts and Alcoholics

Main Street Baptist Church, 57 S Main St, Doylestown

730 PM Mondays

Contact info: Heather MacInnes 215-350-9357

Counseling Associates (Christ Centered Counseling)

Professional counselors

1-800-304-HELP (215-997-7770; 610-282-2575)

Offices in Coopersburg and Montgomeryville

Living In Freedom Everyday

To find a group http://www.freedomeveryday.org/men/groups/pennsylvania.html

Lancaster - For more information contact Earl at (717) 394-4760 or email .

Paoli - For more information contact Sandy at (610) 812-5229.

Wexford - For more information contact Jack at (412) 803-4127 or email .

OTHER RESOURCES

Rev. Jerry Schmoyer

215-348-8086 jerry@schmoyer.net

Main Street Baptist Church, 57 S Main Street, Doylstown, PA 18901

free consultation and counseling for addicts or those who care about them

http://www.mainstreetbaptist.org/

ABUSE CHECKLIST

Behind each line write the age you were abused, who did it and how often

SEXUAL ABUSE

Suggestive flirtatiousness

Propositioning

Inappropriate holding, kissing

Fondling of sexual parts

Masturbation

Oral sex

Forceful sexual activity

Other

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Shoving

Slapping, hitting

Scratches, bruises

Burns

Cuts, wounds

Broken bones, fractures

Damage to organs

Permanent injury

Other

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Neglect

Harassment, malicious tricks

Blackmail

Unfair punishments

Cruel or degrading tasks

Cruel confinement

Abandonment

other

WARNING SIGNS OF SEXUAL ADDICTION

Dr Patrick Carnes, one of the world's leading experts in sexual addiction, suggests there are ten possible warning signs:

Feeling that your behavior is out of control.

Being aware that there may be severe consequences if you continue.

Feeling unable to stop your behavior, despite knowing the consequences.

Persistently pursuing destructive and/or high-risk activities.

Wanting to stop or control what you're doing & taking active steps to limit your activities.

Using sexual fantasies as a way of coping with difficult feelings or situations.

Needing more and more sexual activity in order to experience the same high.

Suffering from intense mood swings around sexual activity.

Spending an increasing amount of time planning, engaging in or regretting and

recovering from sexual activities.

Neglecting important social, occupational or recreational activities for sexual behaviour.

Compulsive masturbation that may recur several times a day. The pleasure of orgasmic

release is often used to alleviate mental symptoms like anxiety, depression or stress-related fatigue.

Compulsive collecting of erotic and pornographic magazines, videos and Internet material

and their constant use as a source for sexual arousal.

Constant, uncontrollable use of electric sex services as a source of sexual arousal.

These include sex phone lines and sex services in the Internet.

Constant changing of sexual partners, being on a constant lookout for new partners.

Relationships last only for a short period of time and are focused on sexual, self-centered

pleasure, not on the relationship itself.

Compulsive, recurring sex with prostitutes.

Recurring anonymous sex: sex with a stranger in some unusual place such as in a public

lavatory or the parking lot.

Having dangerous sex. For example, a married person may have several simultaneous

affairs and finds the possibility of getting caught sexually arousing.

Attending sex bars, clubs or erotic massage parlours constantly.

Compulsive sexual peeping with the intention of becoming aroused, sometimes also

simultaneous masturbation.

Recurring flashing with the intention of becoming aroused. Flashing may entail direct

exposal of body parts or exceptionally revealing clothing.

Touching strangers or acquaintances with the intention of becoming aroused. The

physical contact is staged to look accidental.

Recurring sexual violence, such as rape.

You or your friends and family feel that you are too concerned with or even compulsive

about your sexual desires.

You feel compelled to have sex when you are stressed, anxious or depressed.

After a compulsive sex experience the feelings of pleasure and satisfaction last for a very

short time and you soon feel the need to repeat your actions.

Your sexual experiences have lead to serious problems (e.g. the threat of break-up,

divorce, venereal diseases, other mental problems or sexual violence).

DEALING WITH SEXUAL TEMPTATION

CAUGHT IN SEXUAL SIN BUT HARD TIME GETTING OUT

1. Ask for grace and strength to immediately stop, leave

2. Flee the area (Joseph)

3. Avoid situation in future

4. Confess

5. Accountability partner

IF AWARE WILL BE GOING INTO TEMPTING SITUATION because of work, away from wife

1. Fast and pray

2. Develop plan of action to follow

3. Ask others to pray for you

4. Set up and talk with accountability partner

VICTIMIZED BY INCEST

1. Seek qualified Christian counseling

2. Ask God for wisdom, healing, peace

TEMPTED TO MASTURBATE

1. Ask God to fill you with His Spirit, take control of all, esp. mind

2. Recognize you are dead to sin, resist the devil (James 4:7)

3. Pray and read Bible daily

4. Healing from stress, anxieties, show you what is behind this

5. Remove anything that could cause wrong thoughts

6. Keep away from opportunities

7. Accountability, prayer partner

8. Go for a run or exercise

CYBERSEX TEMPTATION

1. Turn computer off immediately

2. Resist, reckon dead, and flee

3. Screen on computer, keep in family room

4. Get rid on internet access or of computer

IMPURE THOUGHTS CAUSED BY WORLD – watching movie, see girl in office

1. Turn off TV, close eyes in movie, turn back to girl

2. Quote scripture or sing praise song to get mind on God

IMPURE THOUGHTS BY DEMONIC FORCES – thoughts pop into mind

1. Quote and obey James 4:7 submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

2. Resist, rebuke in prayer, and reject thoughts

3. Picture yourself dead to sin on the cross

4. If necessary, confess thoughts you hung onto, fed

5. Quote scripture or sing hymn – God inhabits our praise Ps 22:3

6. If necessary, call friend for prayer support

OVERCOMING LUST AT WORK

1. Identify the triggers. Learn to recognize those times when your thoughts and imagination wander into dangerous territory. Specifically, determine the triggers that commence the cascade of thoughts. If so, position yourself so that you won’t see them. If necessary, eliminate the distraction by rearranging the office furniture. Create a working environment that remains open, yet changes your view so that you can concentrate on the tasks at hand, not the travels of co-workers. If that’s not possible, put a family picture in your line of sight.

2. Cut off access. Similar to limiting the triggers, minimize your exposure to temptation. If your problem is with porn sites, do not put yourself in a circumstance where you have private Internet access and moreover, install software that makes it impossible to view websites that engender lust. When you’re placed in a compromising situation with an attractive co-worker, such as meals alone or traveling to a tradeshow, flee the opportunity by making a stand, or simply making alternative arrangements. When you explain that you are honoring your spouse by not going to lunch unescorted with someone of the opposite sex, many (though not all) co-workers will see that as a sign of strength and honor.

3. Plan for the inevitable. The axiom “proper prior planning prevents poor performance” applies here. When going on a business trip, plan ahead regarding how you will combat temptation. How will you deal with the TV? (One businessman we read about actually request the TV is removed from his hotel room!). How many times will you call your spouse and when will you call? Have you allocated sufficient time for meditating on God’s Word? Where are you meeting customers? Is there a chance you will meet alone with a client of the opposite sex, and do you need to come up with a contingency plan? Setting standards for traveling, meetings, social interactions, and counseling with the opposite sex go far to inhibit temptation. Billy Graham and Zip Ziglar take it as far as never driving a woman to the airport unescorted. It’s remarkable how we can curtail temptation by simply planning to avoid it.

4. Be accountable. All of the above measures in some way honor God by making no provision for sexual sin. Another time-honored method – and one that is immensely powerful – is mutual accountability. Plain and simply, having an accountability partner or a group of peers who love you enough to ask the hard questions is invaluable. If you are not in one of these accountability relationships, find one.

5. The most powerful remedy: divine detox. Many people find practical tips like those listed above to be quite helpful. The real key to victory, though, is a deep relationship with God.Jesus said, “’Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37). One of the lessons we can draw from this Great Commandment is that the most effective way to remain pure on the job (or anywhere else) is to ensure your spiritual “reservoir” is constantly full through the pursuit of a love relationship with God. When this reservoir becomes depleted due to lack of attention to the relationship (e.g., lack of prayer, worship, Bible reading, meditation, fasting, confession), opportunity abounds for sin to fill the void, particularly sexual sin. Sampson, David and Solomon are all prime biblical examples of good people who stumbled when out of fellowship with God.

Be honest with yourself. Don’t your greatest challenges with lust on the job correlate with your times of inattention to God? Indeed, there are physiological explanations for what we experience with lust, but at the most basic level, this is a spiritual problem. If you really want to win this war – and that is a critical prerequisite for success – attack it with spiritual weaponry.
MAINTAINING SEXUAL INTEGRITY

1. Get Real - Recognize that sexual temptation is unavoidable in our sex-obsessed culture. Erotic images on billboards, films, television and a thousand other stimulants are bombarding you daily. Being a Christian doesn't exempt you from temptation - the godliest of men can fall prey to it. So the first step towards maintaining sexual integrity is to get real. Admit to yourself that sexual temptation is a problem that you have to reckon with. Remember John's warning: If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.

2. Get Serious - You should know by now that sexual sin ravages everyone connected with it. What you may not know is that every sexual fantasy you entertain, every flirtatious conversation you keep up, or every "second look" you indulge in is the seed for AIDS, adultery, a broken heart, a shattered life. Get serious - if you're entertaining lust, you're dancing on a cliff. Take concrete action now while you can. Lust when it is conceived, brings forth sin, and sin brings forth death. (James 1:15)

3. Get Ready - If you really believe an earthquake is coming someday, you prepare for it by developing an emergency plan. If you really believe sexual temptation is both common and can become lethal, you'll make an "emergency plan" for it, too. Decide in advance what to do when you're tempted: how to distract yourself, who to call, how to escape close calls. Even St. Paul admitted: Like an athlete I train my body to do what it should, not what it wants to do. Otherwise, I fear that I myself might be declared unfit. (I Corinthians 9:27)

4. Get Connected - Sexual sin thrives in the dark. If you're caught up in any sexual vice, one thing is certain: The secrecy surrounding your behavior is what strengthens its hold on you. However ashamed you may feel about admitting your problem to another person, the reality is this: You can't overcome this on your own. If you could, wouldn't you have done so by now? Take a hint from James: Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed. (James 5:16) Find a trusted, mature Christian friend to confide in. Make that friend a partner in your recovery, and NEVER assume that you've reached a point where you no longer need accountability.

5. Get Brutal - I believe there's an eleventh commandment somewhere that says "Thou Shalt Not Kid Thy Self." If you're serious about sexual integrity, you'll distance yourself not only from the particular sexual sin you're most prone to (fantasizing, pornography, affairs, prostitution) but you'll ALSO distance yourself from any person or thing that entices you towards that sin. Sometimes, even a legitimate activity (certain movies, music or clubs, for example) may be OK for other people to indulge in, but not for you. Get brutally honest about your lifestyle: anything in it that makes you prone to sexual sin has to go. All things are lawful for me, Paul said, but not all things are edifying. I will not be brought under the power of anything. (I Corinthians 6:12)

6. Get Help - Sexual sins are often symptomatic of deeper emotional needs that a man is trying to satisfy in all the wrong ways. Repenting of the sin itself is a necessary first step, but recognizing the conflicts or needs that led you into that behavior may be the next step, requiring some specialized care from a Christian professional. Don't hesitate to seek Godly counsel if you're trapped in cycles of ongoing, out-of-control behavior. The answer you need may be more than just "pray and get over it!” King David (who was no stranger to sexual sin, by the way) found refuge in Samuel's wise mentoring. (I Samuel 19:18) If you're willing to seek professional help for taxes, medical care or career counseling, surely you'll be willing to do the same to maintain your sexual integrity.
7. Get Comfortable - The problem of sexual temptation isn't going anywhere. It's been with us since time immemorial, and no doubt it will plague us until Christ comes. So get comfortable with the idea that you'll need to manage your sexual desires throughout life, always remembering that your sexual integrity is but a part of the general life-long sanctification process all Christians go through. I count myself not to have attained perfection, Paul told the Philippians. I am still not all I should be. (Philippians 3:12-13) So learn to love the process of pressing on, not perfection.
8. Get Love - "I've been looking for love in all the wrong places", an old song laments. The sexual sin you're drawn towards may indeed be a cheap (though intense) substitute for love. You can repent of the sin, but not of the need the sin represents. So get love in your life: friendships, family, spouse, fellow believers. A man who truly loves, and knows he's truly loved, is far less likely to search for what he already has in places he'll never find it. Why do you spend your money on that which is not bread, or your labor on that which cannot satisfy?, Isaiah asked. (Isaiah 55:2) Learn to be intimate and authentic. It's one of the best ways to protect your heart and your integrity.
9. Get Grace - It isn't the sinless man who makes it to the end; rather, it's the man who'll learned to pick himself up after he stumbles. If you're struggle seems relentless, remember this: when you commit yourself to sexual integrity, you commit yourself to a direction, not to perfection. You may stumble along the way - that's no justification for sin, just a realistic view of life in this fallen world. What determines the success or failure of an imperfect man is his willingness to pick himself up, confess his fault, and continue in the direction he committed himself to. Remember Paul's approach: Forgetting those things that are behind, I press on towards the mark of the high calling. (Philippians 3:14)
10. Get a Life - What's your passion? What's your calling? How clear are your goals? And, by the way, do you have any fun? The man who doesn't have a life - a passion, a sense of meaning, an ability to play as hard as he works - is a man with an emptiness tailor-made for sexual sin. Life is about more than keeping yourself sexually pure, as important as purity is. It's about knowing who and why you are, where your priorities lie, and where you're headed. If you don't know that much about yourself, you have some serious thinking to do. Commit yourself to developing your life as a good steward of your gifts and opportunities, and make that the context in which you seek to maintain your sexual integrity. Sexual integrity for it's own sake is a good thing: sexual integrity for the sake of a higher calling is better. So by all means turn from your sin. But as you do, turn towards a goal-oriented, passionate, meaningful life. That is repentance in its truest, finest sense.

JOHN NEWTON: SEXUAL OPPRESSION

John Newton was a tremendous man of God, greatly used by Him to spread His message of grace and salvation. John’s life wasn’t always that way, though. He himself is a prime example of God’s grace. He’s best known for writing the hymn “Amazing Grace.” John, however, had much trouble with sexual temptation and sin. It was only by God’s grace that he was delivered. That grace is available for us today, too.

JOHN’S EARLY LIFE John was born July 24, 1725, in London, England. He had a godly mother who taught him the Bible and prayed for him. In fact, she wanted him to be trained as a preacher, but she was sickly and died when he was 7. His father was away a lot for he was a sea captain. He remarried and started taking John to sea with him when John was 11. John quickly fell into gross sin. Several times he tried to reform his life but failed.

Although he spent much time at sea, his heart wasn’t in being a seaman for he had a girl, Polly, whom he wanted to marry and spend time with. Irresponsibility and carelessness caused him to end up on a British Naval vessel fighting France. He worked his way up to being an officer but lost it when he went AWOL to see Polly. He was flogged and put on a ship going on a 5-year tour of duty. John was sure Polly would be married by the time he returned. He was such a detriment to the ship that they traded him to a slave ship for another sailor.

SEXUAL BONDAGE BEGINS At 19 years of age John had free access to any slave woman he wanted. He went wild! “I rejoiced that I now might be as abandoned as I pleased, without any restraint. I not only sinned with a high hand myself but made it my study to tempt and seduce others upon every occasion.” As a sailor he was so bad that the slave ship wanted to trade him back to the British Navy and John didn’t want that. As soon as he could, he left the ship to manage a slave warehouse in Africa.

As manager of the slave warehouse, John had unlimited access to the women there. However he became so sick he almost died and ended up in slavery himself. He had a terrible master who caused him much suffering, but before too long was traded to a new owner who liked him. Again he was able to constantly sleep with African women. He was so engrossed in his sinful life style that he didn’t want to leave Africa. It was only the thought of Polly that pulled him home.

SALVATION BY GRACE Again John was unwelcome on the ship that took him home because of his filthy language, awful morals, drunkenness, and anti-Christian attacks. He constantly mocked the gospel and Jesus. He had a reputation as one of the most vulgar and blasphemous of men, worse than most of the pirates he associated with. Then it all changed.

On March 21, 1748, at 22 years of age, John turned his life over to Jesus. The day before he had been reading Thomas A Kempis’s Imitation of Christ and read “Life is short and uncertain. Today a man is vigorous and tomorrow he is cut down, withered and gone.” He came under deep conviction. That same night a terrible storm hit the ship and it seemed they would sink. The ship was severely damaged and only barely managed to stay afloat. John found himself calling out to God for mercy -- if such a sinner as he could find mercy! Only Bible verses about judgment came to mind, but he humbled himself and found God’s mercy. “I see no reason why the Lord singled me out for mercy, unless it was to show, by one astonishing instance, that with Him ‘nothing is impossible.’”

SEXUAL STRUGGLES CONTINUE John apologized to his father and stepped up his courtship of Polly. His whole life changed and he reveled in his new-found forgiveness and peace. Spiritually he was on fire and grew as a Christian. He got a job as first mate of a slave ship, though, and a few weeks after sailing found he was as bad as ever before. He stopped reading his Bible and praying and had no Christian fellowship. He was unable to resist the sexual temptations and sunk right into sexual sin again. “I was almost as bad as before. The enemy prepared a train of temptations and I became his easy prey. For about a month, he lulled me asleep in a course of evil, of which a few months before I could not have supposed myself any longer capable.” Although he tried resisting, he was helpless to have any victory. “I was fast bound in chains; I had little desire and no power to free myself.” He had first choice of the women on the slave ship. Today we would say he was addicted to sex. “If I attempted to struggle, it was in vain.” How many men can identify with that bondage and misery!

GOD’S GRACE BRINGS DELIVERANCE Again John got so sick he almost died. He had no hope of mercy or forgiveness. He realized he could not change and was helpless in his sin. He stopped making promises or commitments about “next time” and “never again.” He threw himself upon God’s mercy, a broken and totally defeated man. “I made no more resolves, but cast myself upon the Lord to do with me as He should please.” With that came forgiveness, and peace returned. In fact, he never sunk to those same depths again. “Though I have often grieved His Spirit and foolishly wandered from him since (when, alas, shall I be more wise?), His powerful grace has preserved me from such black declensions as this I have last recorded.”

Eventually he got out of the slave trade entirely and entered the ministry. God used him in a small town to faithfully spread His message. As John’s own testimony spread, so did his influence. Many found hope and deliverance through John’s message of grace.

LESSONS FROM THE LIFE OF JOHN NEWTON What lessons can we learn from John? First and foremost, victory over any sin only comes by God’s grace. Sometimes He removes the temptation at salvation, but often it just seems to get worse. Dormant for periods of time, it again and again raises its ugly head to bring sing, guilt and misery. It was only when John realized that he couldn’t defeat it, no matter how hard he tried, that he was able to see God’s victory in his life. There is no program, no strategy, no magic formula to bring victory -- it is only by God’s grace. Any pride in ourselves or our ability to change (Prov. 16:18). God did discipline him when he sinned to get his attention: twice he was so sick he almost died. By his own admission, a fine wife to honor and be worthy of was also a help to keep him from slipping back into sexual sin. On a later voyage he wrote to Polly: “I was once no less eager after their pleasures than they (the crew members) are now. But you have so refined my taste since, that nothing short of yourself can thoroughly please me.” That should be our prayer, too.

It’s all by grace, nothing we can do or deserve. Falling on God’s mercy is our only recourse. Promises of change, punishing ourselves for past failures, trying our hardest, all these fail for the flesh (sin nature) cannot control the flesh. Only the Spirit can control the flesh, and only when we 100% come to the end of our rope and throw ourselves upon His mercy. Have you don that, or are you still struggling on your own? Learn from John Newton. It’s only by God’s grace and mercy that victory comes. That’s no excuse to sin, but it does give us hope no matter how bad things are. It also shows us our total need of Him -- which is something we all, like John Newton, need to learn.

SEXUAL ANOREXIA

They suffer silently, consumed by a dread of sexual pleasure and filled with fear and sexual self-doubt. They feel profoundly at odds with a culture that tirelessly promotes sex but is strangely unconscious about sexuality. It is not inhibited sexual desire they are experiencing, although often they possess a naiveté, an innocence, or even a prejudice against sex. It is not sexual dysfunction, although their suffering often wears the mask of physical problems that affect sex. It is not about being cold and unresponsive although that certainly is a way in which they protect themselves against the hurt. It is not about religious belief, although religious sexual oppression may have been a place to hide. It is not about guilt and shame, although those feelings are powerfully experienced. Nor is it about sexual betrayal or risk or rejection, although those are common themes. It is simply the emptiness of profound deprivation, a silent suffering called sexual anorexia.

Sexual anorexia is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. Like self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money, deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against all hurts. As with any other altered state of consciousness, such as those brought on by chemical use, compulsive gambling or eating, or any other addiction process, the preoccupation with the avoidance of sex can seem to obliterate one's life problems. The obsession can then become a way to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a furtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilating a part of oneself.

The word anorexia comes from the Greek word orexis, meaning appetite. An-orexis, then, means the denial of appetite. When referring to food appetite, anorexia means the obsessive state of food avoidance that translates into self-starvation. Weight concerns and fear of fat transform into a hatred of food and a hatred of the body because the body demands the nurturance of food. food anorexics perceive bodily cravings for sustenance as a failure of self-discipline. The refusal to eat also becomes a way for food anorexics to reassert power against others, particularly those who may be perceived as trying to control the anorexic, trying in some manner to prevent the anorexic from being his or her "true" self. Ironically, many food anorexics are driven by a powerful need to meet unreal cultural standards about the attractiveness of being thin. A terror of sexual rejection rules their thoughts and behaviors and is a primary force behind this striving for thinness. The irony here is that sexual anorexics share precisely the same terror.

Specialists in sexual medicine have long noted the close parallels between food disorders and sexual disorders. Many professionals have observed how food anorexia and sexual anorexia share common characteristics. In both cases, the sufferers starve themselves in the midst of plenty. Both types of anorexia feature the essential loss of self, the same distortions of thought, and the agonizing struggle for control over the self and others. Both share the same extreme self-hatred and sense of profound alienation. But while the food anorexic is obsessed with the self-denial of physical nourishment, the sexual anorexic focuses his or her anxiety on sex. As a result, the sexual anorexic will typically experience the following:

§ a dread of sexual pleasure

§ a morbid and persistent fear of sexual contact

§ obsession and hyper vigilance around sexual matters

§ avoidance of anything connected with sex

§ preoccupation with others being sexual

§ distortions of body appearance

§ extreme loathing of body functions

§ obsessional self-doubt about sexual adequacy

§ rigid, judgmental attitudes about sexual

§ excessive fear and preoccupation with sexual diseases

§ obsessive concern or worry about the sexual activity of others

§ shame and self-loathing over sexual experiences

§ depression about sexual adequacy and functioning

§ intimacy avoidance because of sexual fear

§ self-destructive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex

Sexual anorexics can be men as well as women. Their personal histories often include sexual exploitation or some form of severely traumatic sexual rejection-or both. Experiences of childhood sexual abuse are common with sexual anorexics, often accompanied by other forms of childhood abuse and neglect. As a result of these traumas, they may tend to carry dark secrets and maintain seemingly insane loyalties that have never been disclosed. In fact, sexual anorexics are for the most part not conscious of the hidden dynamics driving them. Although obsessed with sexual avoidance, they are nonetheless also prone to sexual bingeing, occasional periods of extreme sexual promiscuity, or "acting out in much the way that bulimics will binge with compulsive overeating and then purge by self-induced vomiting. Sexual anorexics may also compensate with other extreme behaviors such as chemical or behavioral addictions, codependency, or deprivation behaviors like dieting, hoarding, saving, cleaning, or various phobic responses. The families of sexual anorexics may also present extreme patterns of behavior and thought. Finally, the sexual anorexic is likely to have been deeply influenced by a cultural, social, or religious group that views sex negatively and supports sexual oppression and repression.

Sexual anorexia, therefore, can wear many masks. Consider the sexual trauma victim who takes care of her pain by compulsively overeating. People focus on her obesity, not noticing the hidden anorexic agenda of avoiding being desirable to anyone. Or think of the alcoholic who has never been sexual except when drinking. The prospect of being sexual while sober is so intimidating that a broader "abstinence" is embraced. For most sexual anorexics, however, a complex array of extremes exists. When a person's appetites are excessive we use words like addiction or compulsion. But excesses are often accompanied by extreme deprivations for which we use terms like anorexia or obsession. In fact, these seemingly mutually exclusive states can exist simultaneously within a person and within a family. Consider the case of a sexually addicted alcoholic heterosexual male. The further his drinking and sexual behavior get out of control, the harder and more compulsively his wife works (the more she behaves hyper responsibly), and the more she shuts down sexually (anorexia). These disorders are not occurring in isolation. But the end result is that the problem of sexual anorexia is not likely to get addressed because it lacks the clarity and drama of the drinking, the sexual acting out, and the workaholism.

People minimize the problem of sexual anorexia. After all, whoever died of a lack of sex? Yet, as we shall see in this book, the physical and psychological consequences of sexual anorexia are severe, and the problem is central to understanding the entire mosaic of extreme behaviors.

SCRIPTURE TO USE AGAINST LUST LIES

“Lust is no big deal.”

Job 31:11-12 For that would have been shameful, a sin to be judged. 12 It is a fire that burns to Destruction; it would have uprooted my harvest.

“A little sinful fantasizing won’t hurt.”

Romans 8:6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life & peace;

Galatians 6:7-8 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Romans 13:14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

“Taking radical action against sin isn’t necessary.”

Matthew 5:29-30 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

2 Timothy 2:22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

“God won’t mind a little compromise.”

Colossians 3:5-6 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

“It’s my body, I can do what I want with it.”

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

“I can’t control my sex drive.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.

“Looking at a few pornographic pictures won’t effect me.”

Proverbs 6:25-27 Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, 26 for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. 27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?

Psalms 101:3 I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me.

“I won’t experience any consequences for indulging in my lust.”

Romans 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Hebrews 12:6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

“People get away with adultery.”

Proverbs 5:3-5 For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.

Proverbs 5:8-11 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent.

“God is keeping something food from me.”

Psalms 84:10-12 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

“The pleasure lust promises is better and more real than God’s pleasure.”

Psalms 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

“Fulfilling my lust will satisfy me.”

Lamentations 3:24-26 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; 26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Proverbs 19:23 The fear of the LORD leads to life:

“Too much purity will keep me from seeing and enjoying beauty.”

Matthew 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Psalms 11:7 For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face.

Isaiah 33:17 Your eyes will see the king in his beauty and view a land that stretches afar.

Accountability

Hebrews 10:24-25 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Attitude

Romans 13:13-14 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Colossians 3:5-7 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.

Consequences

Proverbs 5:7-14 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. 14 I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly."

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Flee sexual sin

Genesis 39:12 She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.

2 Timothy 2:22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Forgiveness Ps 32; Psalm 51;

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Resist the devil

Matthew 4:10 Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"

James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Restoration from sin

Psalms 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Luke 22:31-32 "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Spiritual Warfare

1 Peter 2:11 Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

Revelation 12:17 Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring — those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

Temptation

Luke 4:13 When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

James 1:13-15 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Thoughts

Romans 8:5-7 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7 the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.

Colossians 3:1-2 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

STRONGHOLDS OF ADDICTION

CORE BELIEF 1: SELF IMAGE: I AM BASICALLY A BAD, UNWORTHY PERSON

-From “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes

CORE BELIEF 2: RELATIONSHIPS: NO ONE WOULD LOVE ME AS I AM

-From “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes

CORE BELIEF 3: NEEDS: MY NEEDS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE MET IF I HAVE TO DEPEND ON OTHERS

-From “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes

CORE BELIEF 4: SEXUALITY: SEX IS MY MOST IMPORTANT NEED

-From “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carne