Main Street Baptist Church

UNDERSTANDING YOUR MATE

(& YOURSELF)

BUILD & MAINTAIN A STRONG CHRISTIAN HOME

HOW TO HAVE A MEANINGFUL MARRIAGE

MAIN STREET BAPTIST CHURCH

By Jerry Schmoyer Copyright Ó 1999

252 W. State Street , Doylestown , PA 18901 215 -348-8086

jerry@schmoyer.net

I. Difficulties to Face

(Being Friends)

HOME BUILDING (Foundation)

1. How to Build a Godly Groundwork (heavenly blueprint and earthly location)

2. How to Assure Preventive Protection (storm-proofing home against dangers)

3. How to do Marriage Maintenance (home repair when damage has been done)

CHILD (Basement - where old memories are stored, under all that is happening today)

4. How to Remove Past Programming (affect of family of origin on current life)

FRIEND (Garage for men; phone for women)

5. to be Bosom Buddies (friendship with mate first and then others)

HUSBAND - WIFE (Living Room - daily life)

6. How to Delineate Differences (Lazy Boy or Rocking Chair)

7. How to Handle Feisty Feelings (stereo - ‘mood’ of the home)

II. Needs to Meet

(Being Lovers)

HUSBAND - WIFE (Living Room - daily life)

8. How to Have an Understanding Union (love seat - love tank, love languages)

9. How to be a Huggable Hubby (love seat - husband showing love to wife)

10. How to be a Wonderful Wife (love seat - understand, support & affirm him)

11. How to Have Realistic Roles (mirror - appearances, pressure on men)

12. How to be a Loving Leader (desk - man lead)

13. How to have a Submissive Spirit (desk - woman submit)

14. How to Have A Peaceful Palace (dining area - communication)

FRIEND (Garage for men; phone for women)

HUSBAND - WIFE (Living Room - daily life)

CO -WORKER (Kitchen - working together)

15. How to be a Willing Worker (sharing work load at home)

COMPANION (Recreation room)

16. How to Have Family Fun ( ‘play’ together, recreation )

INDIVIDUAL (Bathroom - use of own private time)

17. How to Have Proper Priorities (using time correctly)

18. How to Survive Stress (Jesus’ 2^nd most stressful day ever)

19. How to Have Christ-like Contentment (Paul’s example in Phil. 4)

PROVIDER (Office/Workshop for him; sewing room/laundry for her)

20. How to Have Scriptural Success (place of career, work, overwork, money)

21. How to Have Fine Finances (use of money)

IV. Children to Raise (Being Parents)

CHRISTIAN (prayer closet)

22. How to Have Strong Spirituality (spiritually, church, family devotions)

LOVER (Bedroom)

23. How to Have Sensitive Sex (focus on men)

24. How to Have Sincere Sex (focus on women)

25. How to Have Valuable Vows (Marriage Rededication Service)

PARENT (Family Room)

26. How to be a Perfect Parent (what God expects of parents)

27. How to be a Fantastic Father

28. How to be a Marvelous Mother

29. How to Have a Christ-like Child (what God expects of children)

30. How to Raise a Disciplined Disciple (discipline and motivation)

TEACHER (School Room)

31. How to be a Terrific Teacher (teaching your children)

1. How to Build a

GODLY GROUNDWORK

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER AND DISCUSS

Before starting to read, husband and wife should think through the following questions and then discuss them together. Remember, the more honest you are the more you will gain.

1. How would you describe your marriage (be specific).

2. How do you think your mate would describe your marriage? (Be specific)

3. List the strong points in your marriage.

4. List the weak areas in your marriage.

5. I am happiest in our marriage when …

6. We are happiest in our marriage when …

7. In my marriage I hurt most when …

8. My mate and I differ about the following things:

9. When we have had difficulty in the past, the following things have helped make it better:

10. List some changes that you need strength from God to make in your home.

11. If I could change 3 things about myself they would be:

a .

b .

c .

12. If you could change 3 things about your mate they would be:

a .

b .

c .

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Our local football team, Central Bucks West , has won the Pennsylvania State Championship the last two years. Naturally everyone expects them to do it again. Not only are they expected to win, but win big. If another team even scores on them the pressure increases for them to do better. Enjoyment for past and present accomplishments can fade under the high expectations put on them. Unfortunately the same happens in marriage.

We come through courtship ‘undefeated’ and expect even greater things once married, but then reality hits as we suffer a few loses. Everyone wants to know who’s to blame. Whose fault is it? What has our mate stopped doing that they were doing before? Where have they gone wrong?

Unrealistic expectations doom many relationships. We expect too much of ourselves and our mates. But how are we to know just what to expect? What is too much? What do we have a right to expect and when are we unrealistic? That is one question this series of articles will try to answer. After all, you can’t hit a target if you don’t even know what the target is, can you? What does God say a wife can legitimately expect of her husband? What does God say a husband can realistically expect from his wife? “Living happily ever after” only happens in fairy tales, but marriages can be mutually satisfying. After all, they are to picture the relationship of Jesus and His Church.

GOD’S ORIGINAL BLUEPRINT Growing a marriage is often like building a house, and that’s the analogy we’ll use throughout this whole series. You don’t just start building, you need a BLUEPRINT to follow. God’s blueprint for the family is set forth right in the beginning of the Bible: Genesis 2:18-25.

18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone.

This is the first God says things AREN’T good, and its because man is alone. Even though Adam walks and talks with God he is missing a basic need - companionship. Man is not made to be alone. God didn’t give him a pet, a TV or even another man – He gave him Eve.

I will make a helper suitable for him."

A “helper suitable” is literally someone to “fill up the empty spaces.” This same word is used of God who helps us (I Sam 7:12; Psalm 22:11 ,19 ; 46:1). Woman is created to fill man’s empty spaces. Men have strengths where women have weaknesses and women have strengths where men have weaknesses. As a whole, most men innately have objectivity, hard rationalization but lack subjectivity, soft emotion. Women are just the opposite. ( more about this in article 6). They are to be completing each other, not competing with each other. Therefore in a marriage each mate must do their part for the relationship to work.

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."

Matthew Henry wrote that “Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled n by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.”

God made the right woman for Adam and gave him to her – God gave the bride away! With a rib gone, Adam is no longer complete in himself. Man is not complete without woman.

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE: 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night . 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The Scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says. "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said. "I can do better then that."

Someone once said that most marriages are made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put them together yourself. That’s very true. God wrote the blueprint, but man must do the assembly work. The next verses show how the parts fit together.

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

This very important verse was probably added by Moses as a commentary when he wrote Genesis. God inspired him to write these words here. Jesus (Matthew 19:5-6) and Paul (I Cor. 6:15-16) quote them to show their importance. This is the key verse in the Bible to making a marriage work.

”LEAVE ” means to forsake, abandon. While we will always have a responsibility to our parents, we can no longer depend on them to meet our emotional, physical, financial or social needs. The relationship changes. We must transfer our needs to our mate. Failure to totally do this is one of the most common problems in marriage today.

“CLEAVE” refers to clinging, keeping close. It is used of skin on bone. It means marriage is a 100% commitment: ‘till death do us part’, not ‘till disagreement do us part’.

“ONE FLESH” refers to the oneness that comes from first leaving and then cleaving. These must be done first. Then there will be a submersion of two partial selves into the creation of a whole new self. It refers to unity of heart, mind, soul and body. In cooking flavors can be marinated (so each still retains some of its own identity) or married (blend into something new). In marriage we become one new person, incomplete without our mate.

“WILL BECOME” is progressive, meaning this is a process, not an instant act. It takes a lifelong to be complete. How many couples today really attain this?

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

When a couple leaves, cleaves and becomes one, there is no shame between them. Intimacy (physically and emotionally) is the result. When a relationship is built on physical intimacy it will fall, but when sex is the expression of emotional intimacy its one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind.

ALTERATIONS TO THE BLUEPRINT We’ve seen God’s perfect plan for marriage in Genesis 2, but sin entered and altered the plan. Because of her role in leading Adam to sin, Eve is placed under the headship of Adam (Genesis 3:16; I Timothy 2:12-14; I Corinthians 14:34-35). The chain of command is altered. From equal leadership now the man is made leader.

LOCATION OF YOUR HOME Now that we have God’s blueprint (and its alteration) we need to find the right place to build our house (marriage relationship). That would be heaven, but that isn’t available to us right now so we’ll have to settle for this earth. As you know the location of a house has a lot of impact on its value, security and stability. Life on earth in these days is hazardous to marriage. Mortgages last longer than marriages. Most marriages end in divorce. The average marriage lasts 7 years. Even out of those who stay together, only a very small percent have what would be called a fulfilling, satisfying relationship. Actually the divorce rate among Christians is higher than among non-Christians. It’s been said that the marriages are happy, it’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. Its bad and getting worse. No society has ever survived after its family life deteriorated. Getting a marriage license is much easier than getting a driver’s license, and getting a divorce is easier than getting a point erased from your driving record. Edward Gibbon, in “The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” says the first step in a nation’s decline is the undermining of the dignity and sanctity of the home.

One hundred years ago society revolved around the family. People lived on farms or operated small businesses out of their homes. Everyone was together. Then the men went off to factories, leaving the women at home to raise the children and run the family. Later the women went to work, too, leaving day cares and schools to take care of children. The home has become a bus stop – a place to keep ones clothing and grab a quick bite to eat from time to time. Truly this is a very bad neighborhood to try and build a home, but it’s where God has put us. Only with His help can we have a successful home.

SIGNS OF TROUBLE Watch for these things, they are signs of trouble in your marriage. Communication is not what it should be. You don’t spend much time together. Romance is not a part of your daily life. You quarrel easily, and over little things. You take each other for granted. You don’t laugh together or look forward to seeing each other as much as you did. You keep your inner thoughts and feelings to yourselves. You find excuses to avoid emotional intimacy. Sex isn’t as satisfying as it could be. Children become increasingly aggressive or withdrawn and have displays of anger and rebellion. These are danger signs.

RESTORING A HOME Don’t give up hope! All is not lost. God can and will restore any home that is turned over to His expert home repair service. He will give the wisdom and understanding to remodel your relationship into a thing of beauty. By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. Proverbs 24:3-4

Of course, rebuilding a home is costly. It involves change. You don’t just wake up in a totally redone home one day. There is a price to be paid, often a greater price than you thought. Usually more is involved in remodeling than you expected. We underestimate how messy it can be and how it can drain our patience. Still, the end result, once it is reached, is worth it. Start working on your house now, no matter how costly it may seem. Nothing costs more than a failed marriage!

This will mean replacing worldly ways and influences with Godly ones. Trades need to be made. Trade looking ward for looking upward. Trade secular ideas for Biblical principles. Trade quality time for quantity time. Trade corporate ladders for family bridges. Trade materialism for relationships. Trade convenience for commitment.

Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it. Psalm 127:1. Getting married is easy. Staying married is difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime would be considered among the fine arts. Rebuilding starts with the words of Joshua: As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15.

2. How to Assure PREVENTIVE PROTECTION

“Why do I need a home? I was born in a hospital, educated in a college, courted in an automobile, and married in a church. I spend my days at work and my evenings shopping or going out. When I die I’ll be buried in a cemetery. I don’t need a home – all I really need is a garage!” This anonymous statement sums up how many feel today. They don’t really

need a home, much less a house.

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME When Christina Onassis died at age 38 her stepsister Henrietta Belber commented: “She lacked a sense of achievement. What she was striving for was just to be a normal human being with normal family relationships, which was virtually impossible in her situation. She had houses all over the world, but she never really had a home.” A home is a house with a heart inside. A house is built by hands, but a home is built by hearts. Money can buy a nice house, but only love can make it a nice home.

A reporter came to a fire one day where a house was steadily burning down to the ground. He noticed that there was a little lad standing by with his mom and dad. The reporter said, “Son, it looks like you don’t have a home any more.” The little boy answered courageously, “We have a home – we just don’t have a house to put it in.” Which do you have: a home or a house?

STORMS WILL COME That which destroys homes as well as houses are storms. A storm from without can cause a lot of damage to a house. A storm from within can cause much damage to a home, a relationship between husband and wife.

How many of you, before marriage, never imagined the fights you’d have after marriage? That’s true of everyone. No one gets married to fight. Still, sometimes it seems impossible to live in a family and still act like a Christian. After all, perfect mates come only in shoes and gloves. Abraham (Genesis 16, 21), Isaac (Genesis 27), Jacob (Genesis 30, 21), Moses (Exodus 4), David (II Samuel 6), Hoses (Hosea) and many others in the Bible all had turmoil in their homes. Living “happily ever after” is a real fairy tale!

Because of the fall, conflict is inevitable. Conflict is the enemy of oneness, leading to separateness in relationships. However conflict can serve as a catalyst to a greater experience of oneness in relationships.

Why does ‘made about you’ often turn into ‘mad at you’? For one reason. before marriage we put our best foot forward, willingly. We sacrifice an serve our of love. But after marriage the real ‘me’ comes out. We begin to put ourselves first. We show a different side of ourselves. At the same time, we are starting to see another side of our mate, one we didn’t see before – their self-centered side. If love is blind, marriage can be a real eye-opener. In reality a marriage license is just a learner’s permit. Much of what we learn, we learn the hard way.

Opposites attract. That’s true in marriage. There’s an old saying that states that a man has no business marrying a woman who can’t make him miserable because that means she can’t make him happy. To the extent your mate can bring you pleasure, they can also bring you pain. There are these two possibilities, or nothing. We can’t have love without the possibility of hurt. As deep as our love goes, so deep our hurt can also go.

Therefore storms will come. They are an important and necessary part of nature. Actually, they bring growth. The same is true with storms in marriage (within the home). They can clear the air and bring growth. However when a storm is too bad it just brings destruction and loss. It’s not the mild disturbances that do lasting damage, it’s the hurricanes, the tornadoes, the earthquakes that cause deep and sometimes permanent destruction to homes.

STORM WATCH Someone has said that marriage is a series of rings: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. It can be like buying a record. In my youth we bought 45’s. You really liked and wanted one side, but you have to take the flip side, too. You only focus on one side and often aren’t even aware of what’s on the other side – until after marriage. Then you discover the other side plays more and more, until you feel that all you have left is the hole in the middle!

‘FALLING IN LOVE’ (Stage 1 ) Remember when you ‘fell in love’ for the first time? You were obsessed with the other person and felt you had the love of the century. Did you know that studies show that that ‘falling in love’ feeling lasts about 2 years – then reality sets in. While it feels very good, it’s really a very self-centered time. Something ‘clicks’ and we don’t have to stretch or grow. We coast on surface attraction. We only see the good in the other and only let them see the good in us. We fall in love with the personality they show us, but then we end up living with their true character, complete with strengths and weaknesses. While it lasts, it’s great! But what happens when we start having a more realistic view of the other and they of us? What happens then? We enter Stage 2.

‘FALLING OUT OF LOVE’ (Stage 2 ) Every relationship goes through stage 2. Let me reward that to say every relationship enters into stage 2. It’s up to them if they go through it or stay in it. How bad it is or isn’t depends on how much they have been able to really know their mate during stage 1. The more weaknesses as well as strengths are revealed and accepted during stage 1, the easier stage 2 will be. No relationship is always and forever in the ‘falling in love stage.’ Many don’t understand this, and when stage 1 fades instead of working their way through stage 2 and then into stage 3, they separate and find someone else to ‘fall in love’ with – they just keep doing stage 1 over and over and over their whole life. They never get the depth and maturity of stage 3.

GOING BEYOND LOVE (Stage 3) Stage 3 is the goal most relationships never reach. People run into stage 2 and separate – sometimes physically, sometimes just emotionally. Those who stay together instead of divorcing end up withdrawing emotionally, living together more as brother and sister than as husband and wife. They become efficient coworkers, with each one knowing just what their role and responsibility is. They may function quite well to outsiders, but the romance, the spark, the intimate love they once had is gone. They don’t want to pay the price to work through stage 2 so they can enjoy stage 3.

Stage 3 takes a real commitment to forgive, swallow pride, and make a decision to love an imperfect person who doesn’t always deserve to be loved. It’s not something we are naturally good at, nor something our society trains one for. Perhaps that is why marriages in other cultures, where marriage is based on other things than ‘falling in love,’ last longer. There is a more realistic approach, a more rational commitment, more down-to-earth expectations. It takes perseverance and hard work to make a go of almost anything in life, and marriage is no different. The rewards are proportionate to the work. No one ‘falls in love’ and then ‘lives happily ever after’ – our sin nature makes sure that never happens.

But how can one make the transition from Stage 2 to 3 – that’s easier said than done!

STORM PROOFING YOUR HOME Ephesians 5:15-21 gives good, practical advice which, when applied to marriage, can help us enter Stage 3 quicker and smoother.

1. Lean on God’s Wisdom Eph . 5:15 Be very careful, then, how you live-- not as unwise but as wise. A good marriage can only be built on God’s wisdom: service, humility, forgiveness, love, respect, etc. The world’s self-centered, me-first approach will never make it. That applies to little things as well as big things in marriages. Most couples are pulled together to fact big problems. It’s the little things that slowly erode and destroy a relationship. It’s the slow leaks, now the blowouts, which we must watch out for. Termites destroy more homes than fire, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc.

Money is one of these seemingly ‘little things’ – but it brings out the selfishness in all of us. Often it is the surface issue we fight about, when there is a deeper problem of trust and submission beneath the surface. Money causes many of the problems people face. It’s been said that an unbalanced budget makes for an unbalanced marriage.

The number, upbringing and discipline of children is often something that causes marriage problems, as is sex, relatives and responsibilities around the house ..

2. Use Time Wisely Eph . 5:16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Priorities are of the utmost importance in making a marriage work. Articles 17, 18 & 19 will focus on the use of time in detail, but we must remember that we need time to communicate, to enjoy each other, to do all the things we did during courtship. A relationship must be fed to thrive and grow, and that takes time. Learn to say “No!” to things that take time from your mate. Marriage is our number one priority (after God) and is before children, home school, work and hobbies. To go from Stage 2 to Stage 3 a couple needs time together to talk, enjoy, develop their friendship, and work through difficulties before they get too big. It takes quality time together to prevent marriage ‘drift.’

3. Be Understanding, Sensitive, A Good Listener Eph . 5:17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. “Foolish” means “thick, dull, insensitive,” like a callus which lacks feeling. We are to be sensitive to our mate’s needs, to listen between the lines when they talk. Observe their needs and act accordingly to help them. Learn what to say when. A wife, especially, needs to know her husband is sensitive to her needs. A man needs to listen, really listen, to his wife.

Also, don’t nag. Some married people don’t pull together like a team because one of them is a nag. “It is better to live in a corner of the house than in a house with a contentious nagging woman.” (Proverbs 25:24) Women nag because they are insecure and don’t trust their husband (and also don’t trust God). Men really dislike a nagging wife, for she becomes more like a mother than a wife.

Another major part of being understanding and sensitive is having victory over anger. Anger will keep a relationship from ever getting to Stage 3. For a detailed treatment of male anger, female anger, anger in children and how to have victory over anger see my series of articles on “Anger Control.”

4. Submit to God and Mate Eph . 5:18-21 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord , always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Mutual submission is the basis of all relationships: submission to God and to others. It is our pride that keeps us from submitting. Marriage is cooperation (Stage 3), not competition (Stage 2). Lack of mutual submission can turn holy wedlock into unholy deadlock.

Building a good marriage and building a good fire is similar in 3 ways. You build a fire will paper and kindling, and all at once it goes up in a brilliantly burning blaze. Then the primary blaze burns down and you wonder if the fire will fizzle out and leave you in the dark. You blow on it and fan it for all you are worth. Then smoke billows out and almost chokes you, but if the materials are good and if you invest enough energy and interest’ in maintaining it, soon the big solid logs catch, and your fire takes on new qualities .

How is your fire? How is your marriage? Are you moving into Stage 3, or are those internal storms causing real damage to your relationship? Fan that fire! Lean on God’s wisdom. Use your time wisely. Be understanding and sensitive. Submit to God and your mate. Protect your home from damage. You have too much invested in it already.

3. How to Do

MARRIAGE MAINTENANCE

When John meets Mary he immediately feels something special. She is beautiful, charming, intelligent and full of life. John’s Love Bank instantly credits her account with three units. They start to date and find they have much in common. They really hit it off very well. Every time they are together her account goes up until it reaches 250 love units. Only Sarah, an old flame whom John broke up with over a year ago, ever had more units in John’s Love Bank. Six months later Mary’s balance is at 500 – an all-time high. John is sure he is in love with her.

Meanwhile, John’s account in Mary’s Love Bank has grown steadily, but not at quite the same pace. She likes John, but not as much as he likes her. His love units accumulate more slowly in her account. She remembers Bob and how much she loved him before he broke up with her for someone else. That painful memory causes her to abruptly tell John she needs a little breathing room. She suggests they suspend dating for a month or two so they can date other people.

John feels devastated. This is the most painful experience of his life. Several units quickly come out of her account. He calls her repeatedly over the next month and tries to talk her into resuming their relationship but she won’t give in. Debits in Mary’s account total 25.

John tries dating other women, but they get no points because he compares them to Mary and her record high 475 points. None can compare.

Then Mary calls and says she missed him and wants to get back together. Their relationship seems better than ever. By the end of the year Mary’s balance in John’s Love Bank has risen to 1,000 units. His has risen, too, in her bank and stands at 925. One night John proposes, she accepts and the are soon married.

Their first year of marriage is extremely happy. Without understanding all about it they seem to meet each other’s needs quite well. They spend much time together and their love continues to grow. Mary starts playing tennis to spend time with John in his favorite pastime.

John earns an excellent salary as a computer analyst. Mary works part time as a secretary because she likes her job. She trusts John because he is honest with her in everything. He is proud of how she takes care of the house and of how attractive she is.

Interestingly enough, during their first year of marriage they do not accumulate points at the rate they did before marriage, mainly because they share a much wider variety of experiences than they had while dating. Now they are together when they feel good and when they feel bad. Credits and debits in their Love Bank accounts are being posted in accordance with the ups and down of life. They sort of balance each other out, but slow growth in their totals is still happening. They add a hundred credits a year to their accounts.

On their fifth anniversary they are still deeply in love with each other. They start a family and little Tiffany arrives. Changes now take place. They love her dearly, but new demands and negative experiences start taking their toll on their Love Bank totals. By the end of the year Mary’s account has dropped by 100 points – a small percentage, but still a drop. His account in her bank goes up as he helps her with the baby, overlooks her weight gain, and sacrifices for his family.

By the time Tiffany is two Mary is restless and wants to be more than a part time secretary. John supports her in her decision to return to college, finish her degree, and get a masters in business administration. She quits her job to take care of the baby and goes to college in the evenings when John is home with Tiffany.

Mary works hard and makes good grades, but time with John suffers. There is no more time for tennis. She is too exhausted by bed time for their sex life to continue as it had before. Weekends are their only time together, and Mary has to catch up on homework and take care of the house. This pattern continues for two years. Mary'’ account in John'’ Love Bank drops slowly but steadily. They live together in harmony (most of the time) but the intimacy they once shared has greatly faded.

John’s account in Mary’s love bank holds steady for he is helping her meet a special need in her life right now – getting an education. She realizes she isn’t the wife to him she had been, and deeply appreciates his sacrifices for the family. She tells herself things will get better when she gets her degree.

Meanwhile at work John spends more and more time with an attractive product manager named Noreen. When Noreen’s husband leaves her for another woman John tries to give her as much comfort and support as he can. Over the months his friendship with Noreen deepens daily, and she soon has a few hundred unites deposited in John’s Love Bank. They talk freely about anything and everything. Their conversations sometimes remind him of the good old days with Mary. Noreen is quite sympathetic about John’s frustration with Mary.

A few weeks later Mary is particularly overwhelmed with studying for mid-terms and John gets hit with a special project that forces him to work a great deal of overtime with Noreen. That’s when it happens. They find themselves in each other’s arms making love. Afterwards John feels very guilty. Noreen admits she has fallen in love with John, who has been making major deposits into her Love Bank for quite some time. She tells him she’ll be satisfied to have what she can with him and doesn’t want to ruin his marriage. John rationalizes it all so he doesn’t feel guilty. Noreen can meet needs of his which Mary can’t. No one is hurt. Everyone benefits. That’s what he convinces himself.

John and Noreen are together whenever they can be and after a year her account in John’s Love Bank is at about the same level as Mary’s. Hers increases fast because she never says or does anything that makes John feel uncomfortable. She only gives to John and doesn’t expect anything in return. This would have gone on indefinitely except for Jane, who is a friend of Mary’s and hears about John and Noreen from a friend who works with them. She tells Mary, who checks things out and actually catches John and Noreen together. This makes John feel extremely guilty and begs for forgiveness and another chance. He explains his rationalizing to her and she feels guilty and responsible for not meeting his needs. Mary tries being a better wife to John and even puts her classes on hold for awhile. John appreciates that a lot.

However John now loves Mary and Noreen. He won’t leave Mary, but he can’t give u Noreen, either. He tries his best to forget her, but soon is back with her again. Before long Mary is suspicious and Noreen is starting to pressure John to leave Mary to be with her. John doesn’t know how he can give up either woman, but he sees how close he is to losing both of them. What can he do? He wonders how he ever got into such a mess!

STORM PROOFING YOUR HOME Everyone has a Love Bank, and each person who touches our lives has an account in that Love Bank. Good experiences bring deposits and bad ones bring withdrawals. When someone of the opposite sex starts accumulating large deposits quite rapidly we feel we are ‘falling in love’ with them. On the other side, when someone is in the red we dislike, even hate them. We like to be around people who deposit and keep away from people who withdraw.

When we marry we do so because we have each accumulated a large balance in our Love Bank in that person’s account. That is Stage 1 - see article 2 in this series). Then when we enter Stage 2 withdrawals start. If too many withdrawals are made too fast a relationship really suffers. Withdrawals will happen, but an effort must be made to keep deposits coming. When deposits slow or stop and withdrawals continue, it’s only a matter of time until disaster strikes. Accidental hurt which is apologized for doesn’t cause that large of a withdrawal, but purposeful hurt be words or actions can cause large withdrawals.

THE GIVER AND THE TAKER Before marriage, in Stage 1, we just want to Give to the other. We do whatever we can to make that person happy and avoid anything that will make them unhappy. Is comes naturally when we want to make someone else happy. Unfortunately there is another part of us That is the Taker. It’s the part that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy. It’s based in our sin nature. We all have it. This is what predominates in Stage 2.

Actually when we start out giving and giving, we send the message to our spouse that that’s how we are, and they naturally start enjoying that. Then their Taker comes in and enjoys what we give. However they stop Giving back to us, so our Taker kicks in to straighten out the situation. “I’ve been giving enough, now it’s your turn to give” is what we think. When our Taker rouses our mate’s Taker it just leads to a fight.

The Giver’s instincts deposit love units, but the Taker’s instincts withdraw them. We you are in love, the Giver keeps a marriage passionate. But even under ideal condition love can be lost momentarily, and when that happens the Taker can do things to ruin any hope of love returning. To rebuild a love means becoming a Giver, not a Taker.

HOME REPAIR How can we repair a relationship that has cracks and damage to it? Every home needs repair and remodeling from time to time. Weather and time takes its toll. Walls can weaken. Love Bank accounts can gradually dwindle. What can be done?

A new home is like a new marriage. Everything is new and pure, so clean it sparkles. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the grit of responsibility gets mixed with the grind of routine. Bills come due, weeds sprout, paint peels, windows stick, doors squeak, faucets drip, drains clog and roofs leak. We may fondly remember the way it was when we first moved in. How can we get it back into like-new shape? What can remove spots and stains which mar our home?

APOLOGIZING & FORGIVING Marriage is like a fishing net. Each day fishermen use their nets to catch fish and sell them at the market. One fisherman takes his fish from the net every day but lets debris from the ocean accumulate. Eventually so much debris is caught in the net that he can hardly cast the net out of the boat, and when he does, it’s almost impossible to retrieve. Finally, in a fit of anger, he cuts the net loose and goes home without it. He’s unable to catch and sell fish again until he buys another net. Another fisherman removes debris every time he retrieves the net with the fish he caught. Each time he casts his net, it’s clean and ready to catch more fish. As a result, he catches and sells enough fish to support himself and his family.

What about your net? Forgiveness is the way a net is cleaned. Only a clean net will be able to catch and hold Love Units as they come our way. Movies may succeed with the idea that love is never having to say you're sorry, but I've never known of a marriage to succeed on that premise. Most lovers have to say, "I'm sorry" a great deal. Consider the following quotes:

A woman who can't forgive should never have more than a nodding acquaintance with a man. -- Ed Howe

Forgiveness is giving love when there is no reason to love and no guarantee that love will be returned. -- Walter Wangerin , Jr.

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget" is only another way of saying, "I will not forgive." Forgiveness ought to be like a canceled note: torn in two and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. -- Henry Ward Beecher

Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins. – Langdon Mitchell

A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.

We are most like beasts when we kill. We are most like men when we judge. We are most like God when we forgive. -William Arthur Ward, Thoughts of a Christian Optimist

Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me. -Archibald Hart, quoted in James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough

We often have a hard time saying we are sorry to our mate because of our pride. We want to be right, to Take . Men often feel they are admitting to being failures as men if they apologize. They see it as a weakness, that she won’t love him any more if she finds out he isn’t perfect. Also, men avoid emotions and apologizing is an emotional experience. Wives need to understand this and make him feel loved no matter what. The wife must forgive and forget even if he doesn’t apologize. Especially if he does apologize women must quickly forgive or he will get the message it doesn’t make any difference if he apologizes or not.

Forgiveness always views the offender as being under the control of God (Genesis 45:8). It always views personal offenses as ultimately issuing in God (Gen 45:5-7; Rom 8:28). When you forgive you give up any right to see them hurt for the pain they caused you (Gen 45:19; 50:21).

Charles Plumb, a US Naval Academy graduate, was a jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy lands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience. One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!" "How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today." Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Who’s packing your parachute? Your mate, of course! Help them do a good job – your future rests on it! By the way, what kind of a job are you doing packing their parachute? Can they depend on you to be there, Giving instead of Taking, putting love units into your account in their life instead of taking them out? Marriage is a team effort, we rise or fall together.

4. How to Remove

PAST PROGRAMMING

Talk about the following together. Take a quiet evening or go out to eat and discuss your feelings about the following:

1. Describe your feelings when you first met your spouse.

2. What was the best present you ever received from your spouse?

3. What is one thing you take for granted in your spouse?

4. Other than your wedding day, when did your spouse look the most attractive?

5. What is one thing your spouse does at least once a week that you appreciate?

6. For you, what is a perfect date?

7. Describe your most memorable romantic encounter?

8. What is one area where your spouse is smarter or has more ability than you?

9. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

10. What aspect of lovemaking do you enjoy the most?

11. What is one area your spouse has grown in since you’ve been married?

12. If you could relive one day of your marriage, what day would it be?

13. If you were to die before your spouse, what would you hope he/she would say at your funeral?

CRACKS IN THE WALL Our home has a crack in the plaster in the dining room. Periodically we paint over it, sometimes even plastering it up and then painting. Inevitable it reappears. Why? Because there is a fault in the foundation in the basement right under that spot. We cannot cover over or hide the crack, at least not for long, until we get rid of the underlying fault. That isn’t an easy thing to do, so we just live with the fault and crack.

That’s how a lot of relationships are. Cracks mar them, so we cover them up and put on our best face for awhile. Before long, though, it reappears. It’s not until we get to the underlying faults and correct them that we will be able to have the external surface really change.

REPAIR WORK STARTS IN THE BASEMENT Problems we face today are just the symptoms of deeper inner troubles that have started long ago. A basement is where past memorabilia is stored: old papers, pictures, slides , baby clothing, special toys, and favorite articles from the past. That’s is often where our present ‘cracks’ originate – in our past. Things that were done (or not done) in our childhood are the ‘faults’ that result in cracks in our nice homes and lives today. To have our home all that God wants it to be we cannot ignore or just paint over these cracks, we must get to the root cause of them so we can be healed and freed.

THE INFLUENCE OF FATHERS UPON SONS What is a man? How would you define a man? Men, when you were a boy what did you see a man as being? When did you become a man? How will you know when your son becomes a man?

Fathers have a tremendous impact on their sons. Yet less than 1% of males have or had at one time what they would call a ‘close’ relationship with their father. Boys grow up in a woman’s world: school, church, baby sitters, etc. – male examples are lacking. A boy needs a father to show him what a man is like and also to let him know that He has become a man himself. Most fathers today are gone – busy at work and play. Thus boys have to turn to others for their male affirmation. Some turn to sports or studies to prove themselves. Others rebel, become macho tough-guys, or turn effeminate.

Jews have their bar mitzva when a boy turns 13 as a turning point. Jungle tribes have a ‘calling out’ ritual. American Indians seek a vision. For boys in America today sinful activities have become their ‘proof’ of transition into manhood: first cigarette, first beer, first sexual experience or first car. Consequently boys grow up trying to prove to their fathers (or at lest the father-image in their minds) that they are men. Many spend their whole lives trying to prove it, never quite sure if they really are a man or not. Then this unsureness gets passed on to their sons, magnified somewhat, and they pass it on to theirs. On and on it goes. It’s time to change the pattern.

What’s the solution? How can we repair this major fault in our foundations? First, realize this is typical of most men. Your father has the same built-in fault – that’s where you got it. Honestly admit to yourself the hurt from your own father. Allow yourself to feel the pain of his actions (or lack of them). Then forgive him for it, remembering he was a victim of his father and so on. Turn it over to Jesus to heal you. Let your Father-God reveal Himself as He truly is and ask Him to fill the void in your life.

Women, you can help your husband by talking to him about these things in a gentle, loving way. Let him know how and why you see him as a man. Pray for him. Watch your expectations, your criticisms, and your rejection. Make him feel like your hero – he should be.

THE INFLUENCE OF MOTHERS UPON SONS

What is a woman? How would you define a woman? Women, what impact did your father have on the kind of woman you became? How will you know when your daughter becomes a woman?

Jacob, in the Old Testament, is all too typical. His mother, Rebekah, used him to meet needs her husband, Isaac, left unmet by his withdrawal (Genesis 25). Rejected by his father in favor of his more ‘manly’ brother Esau, Jacob found acceptance with his mother. However her poor view of men spilled over unto him. He grew up needing female affirmation, fearing female rejection and anger, and being dependent on women to tell him he was a man. It wasn’t until he, in a very manly act, wrestled with God that he was able to be himself (Genesis 32:22-32). God recognized this change by giving him a new name – Israel. (For more information about this see my series of articles “For Men Only” and “Roadblocks to Christian Manhood.”

THE INFLUENCE OF MOTHERS UPON DAUGHTERS Daughters look to mothers as role models for being secure, confident and feeling good about being female. Mothers can be tempted to live through their daughters. They can take out their own frustrations on their daughter or burden her with too high expectations. If a girl feels rejected by her mother she will turn to males for approval. Its easy for a mother to pass her own wrong patterns down to her own daughter: wrong expectations, manipulations she uses on men, ‘games’ she plays with men, etc. A daughter learns how to view and relate men by watching her mother’s example and attitude. This forms how a girl feels about and relates to her own husband. Wrong patterns can cause major faults in a foundation which will affect a woman’s relationship with all men for her whole life.

THE INFLUENCE OF FATHERS UPON DAUGHTERS Fathers impact their daughters in many ways. How they relate to her forms how she feels about herself as a woman. How he relates to his wife and other women shows her how she, as a woman, can expect to be treated. In effect, a father sets the pattern for how his daughter will relate to God, her own husband, and all men.

If a man doesn’t know how to properly relate to the opposite sex he will avoid intimacy with them. A daughter will take this as personal rejection, failure on her part. She’ll turn to other males to get male approval, often using her looks or body to get male attention.

On the other hand, some men find relating to their daughter easier than relating to their wife so they turn to their daughter for emotional needs which their wife should be meeting. It can be easier to talk to and show love to a daughter than a wife. This can make a wife envious.

When a father over-protects his daughter he is communicating that he doesn’t trust her. A father needs to treat his daughter just the way her future husband should treat her. He sets the pattern.

Thus we’ve seen that cracks in the house are caused by faults in the foundation – our childhood training from our parents. This keeps one from mature responses to others. Dysfunction replaces godly functioning. David’s family is a good example of this (for a complete, detailed explanation of dysfunctionalism using David’s family as an example see my series of articles “Healthy Relationships in a Dysfunctional World.”

DAVID’S FAMILY We don’t know much about David’s family life, other than his father forgot about him when Samuel came to see his sons and that his brothers treated him quite cruelly when he visited them before killing Goliath. He made a quick marriage to Michal , who was a great catch but shallow spiritually and very self-centered. He sinned with Bathsheba and tried to cover it up, then confessed his sin and was forgiven and restored. However a pattern was set. It seems David didn’t face the pain of his sin or the death of the baby. We don’t see him treating it in his family. It wasn’t something people talked about. Everyone had to bury their feelings. While David had wonderful intimacy with God, he didn’t seem to do nearly as well with intimacy with other people.

All children need to know they are unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents. If they don’t sense this they will assume it is their fault, they aren’t worthy of their parents love. This pain and insecurity is more than one can live with so it is stuffed down inside and covered with any of a number of addictions: alcohol, drugs, smoking, overeating, workaholism, danger, gambling, crime, sex, etc. These don’t meet the need, but do distract from the inner pain. They are cracks in the walls of our lives caused by faults down deep below in our pasts.

It isn’t long before we start seeing some of these cracks in David’s family. Amnon rapes his half sister Tamar (II Sam 13:1-2). Her full brother Absalom figured it would happen but didn’t do anything to prevent it. He event lets on to her that it isn’t that big a deal and to keep it silent – what will people think of the family? When David finds out he is furious but doesn’t do a single thing about it. After 2 years Absalom takes matters into his own hands and kills Amnon, then runs away for 3 years. Finally he returns to Jerusalem gives up on establishing a relationship with his father when David rebuffs his attempts at reconciliation. He then leads a revolt against his father which ends in his death. When he dies David finally show emotion, being heartbroken about Absalom’s death (II Sam 18:33; 19:4). If only Absalom had know his father loved him this much the end might have been different!

Notice some characteristics (cracks in the wall) of dysfunctional families. Instead of facing problems they cover them up and manipulate the situations. Pain is avoided or denied. Emotions are ignored. Pain isn’t talked about. Guilt and shame are used to force others into conformity while serious issues are ignored.

SOLOMON’S FAMILY These patterns pass on from generation to generation. Solomon, David’s youngest son, was obviously affected by all that had happened even though it was before his birth. He was remarkably wise, wealthy, powerful and gifted. Still, he turned to pleasure, wine and sex to hide his pain (Ecclesiastes 1:2; 2:1-16). Typical of a child from a dysfunctional home, he had addictions. Alcohol (Eccl 2:3; Prov 23:29-35), workaholism and sex (he had 700 wives and 300 concubines). He had a hard time with intimacy. He had a hard time labeling and expressing his feelings and emotions. He went from one destructive relationship into another (he married one ungodly woman after another). He knew what was right but had trouble doing it. He passed on the family dysfunction to his son, Rehoboam , and he split the nation in two.’

ABIGAIL One of the more common traits of dysfunction is codependency. A codependent is someone who is dependent on another to have their own emotional needs met. They feel responsible to take care of another person, and this makes them feel needed. Abigail, for as beautiful and wise as she was, obviously took care of her alcoholic husband Nabal . She baled him out when he insulted David’s men. The servants knew to come to her for solutions, not Nabal . Codependents suffer from insecurity, so they find their purpose in life in serving others. Abigail married David soon after her husband died, even though David was also emotionally distant and already had other wives. She could have wanted more in a husband. She didn’t mind losing her identity in other for she then found her identity in being needed and helpful. Eventually this kind of person burns out, though, for their needs are never met. They get drained and resent the very people they have made dependent upon themselves.

FIXING THE FAULTS These deep foundational breaks need healing. If any of this sounds like you what you must do is face the pain from your past. What childhood hurts and rejection did you feel? It takes a lot of emotional energy to deny and stuff this pain down inside. Let it out. It’s like getting an infection cleaned out so healing can take place. Explore your past and admit the truth of it in order to grow past it. That doesn’t mean blaming others, it just means recognizing that today’s compulsive behavior and addiction is fueled by past family pain and hurt. Learn to replace wrong reactions with new, healthy ones. Reprogram your mind and heart. Let Jesus heal you. ”Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed” (Jeremiah 17:14)

If for no other reason, face and work through these things so you don’t pass them on to your children. Are you teaching them to paint over cracks and make the outside presentable? Or are you showing them by example how a mature Christian faces past hurts and lets Jesus remove it and bring forgiveness and healing? Also, what kind of foundation are you building into them? It’s much easier to correct a weak foundation now than allowing it to remain and forcing them to face it after it causes cracks in their life and marriage. Many good books about on this subject. I’ll be glad to talk with anyone who wants to as well. Get free from the past!

5. How to be

BOSOM BUDDIES

Do you remember Paul Simon’s song “I Am A Rock” (1965)? Pay close attention to the words. They describe the attitude of many people today to friendship.

A winter’s day, in a deep and dark December:

I am alone, gazing from my window

To the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock. I am an island.

I’ve built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship

Friendship causes pain.

Its laughter and its loving I disdain.

I am a rock. I am an island.

Don’t talk of love;

Well I’ve heard the word

It’s sleeping in my memory.

I won’t disturb the slumber

of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock. am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room,

Safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock. I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

What does this song say about friendship? Is this typical of many today? What kind of a marriage would a person with such an attitude have? How much does this resemble you?

Friendship. It’s everything to a marriage. Good marriage relationships begin as friendships and continue as friendships. That’s why, in our house plan, like in our own homes, we enter through the garage. Visitors use the front door, but family enters through the garage after parking. Marriage must be entered as a friendship first and foremost. The trust, companionship, respect, care and honest communication for a good friendship are also essential for a good marriage. You can’t have a good marriage without first developing and maintaining a good friendship.

There’s another way that our garage stands for friendship. That’s where men most often develop friendships, while working on a car of home project. I put a telephone in the garage, for that is a more accurate picture of female friendships. Females talk to relate, men work together. Its important to understand how friendship differs for men and for women in order to better understand how to develop our friendship with our mate.

MALE FRIENDSHIPS Jim Mosher and I were the best of friends in high school. We went everywhere and did everything together. He lived down the block. We were on the wrestling team (he weighed 20 pounds more than me), football team (he was a lineman & I a back), and track team (I ran the sprints and he pole vaulted). On Saturday evenings we watched Red Skeleton and did sit- ups ( he could do a thousand at a time). We walked to school together and both had shop (he had auto body and I was in architectural drafting). We were best friends, inseparable. Then I was drafted into the army and he wasn't (bad knee from football). I only ever saw him once after that, and it was awkward and empty, with nothing to talk about except the old memories. We don't live far apart but have absolutely no contact.

What had happened? Weren't we really friends? Sure we were -- the kind of friends men have: friends of convenience, location, and common achievement, friends one can walk away from and never see again.

My sister, in contrast, never lost contact with any of her friends. Our family still hears from Margie Patty, her elementary friends of 35 years ago! Although my sister died 10 years ago, I still know more today about her friends growing up than mine! They were entirely different kinds of friendships. Until her death in her 60’s mother met once a week with three girl friends she made in the first grade. On the other hand, I no of no close friends my father has ever had.

For men, even our friendships do not come easy. They are complicated, rarely evaluated, and never talked about. After marriage and children, if friendships among men don't develop at work, they don't develop! That’s why when men leave a job, they end up leaving their friends. Knowing that will come keeps friendships more on a surface level, too.

Men have a deep-seated need for friends, but there are many difficulties in men initiating and cultivating deep relationships. Could this be why so many, many more men than women become workaholics, alcoholics and drug addicts?

Men have a hard time with friendships because of their aversion to showing emotion. We don’t let on that we enjoy another man’s company. In other cultures men can hug, kiss, etc. but here such things bring homosexual suspicions – from within as well as from without.

Men have a hard time with friendships because they often see them just as serving utilitarian purposes. A woman can invite another woman to lunch just to talk, because they miss each other and want to get together. But what if another man called and asked you to meet him for lunch? Your first question is “Why?” Suppose he says there is no reason, he just misses your company and wants to spend some time with you! Now if he said he needed some investment advice, help with his car, input on scheduling upcoming activities, etc., then there’d be no problem! At our church we get a dozen men come to our work projects, but less than half that to our times of Bible study and prayer. I think that’s typical of most churches.

The fact that men don’t see their fathers or other older males exemplify friendship also contributes to men’s inability to develop deep friendships. This is true of their friendship with their wife as well as with other males. Who was your father’s best friend? What about your mother’s best friend? See the difference?

Men often can be more open and develop better friendships with women than other men because they feel they have to compete with other men. Having grown up in a female world (mother, grandmother, female teachers at church and Sunday school, female baby-sitters, etc.) I am more comfortable relating to women than men. Often this is the case with men. From puberty on men learn to evaluate themselves by how they compare with other men. They are freer to show their more vulnerable, sensitive side with women. Women respond to this side far better than other men do! Men hide their problems and are afraid of really opening up. I guess that’s why they don’t like asking for directions or help.

Jesus is our example of how a male can develop friends. He picked 12 special men to travel with Him, then 3 of them as His closest companions. John is called “the disciple that Jesus loved” and leaned on Jesus during the last supper. How often do men touch today?

This is important for men and women to understand for these traits are carried over into friendships in marriage as well. Female friendship traits are very different.

FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS Women develop relationships around communication – talking together. From little on boys playing together often revolves around some form of competition. Girls, on the other hand, play in a way that enables them to relate and talk together. Is it that girls need friends more than boys, or just that they realize more that they need friends?

On the one hand, men are more rational and objective than women. This is part of their ‘armor’ to be the leaders and protectors of their families. Still, men need friendship as much as women need it.

Since females are more naturally oriented to relate, and since their mates often work hard at developing friendships during courtship, women assume this will continue throughout their married lives. Sometimes it does, but often it doesn’t.

HUSBAND-WIFE FRIENDSHIPS Couples who aren’t best friends don’t have marriages as good as they could. Men's Life magazine surprised itself with a survey -- asked its readers "What's the most important thing in your life?" And no, it was not sex, it was not career , it was neither fame nor fortune. The most important things to 63 percent of the men were their wives and ninety percent of married men called their wives their best friend.

Men want and need their wives to be their best friends. Wives want and need their husbands to be their bet friends. When this doesn’t happen the relationship crumbles. Sex carries it for awhile, but when something goes hollow inside its strength and health is undermined. In my marriage counseling I often tell couples who aren’t getting along as they should but want to salvage their marriage that what they need to do is go back to being friends. We all need to keep doing the things that developed our friendships, that first brought us together. Especially in a relationship that is struggling we need to back off of our expectations of ourselves and each other and just start being friends again. We have a perfect example of how this works in the Song of Solomon

FRIENDSHIP STARTS IN COURTSHIP The Song of Solomon is a wonderful picture of married love. Their solid marriage started with a sound friendship. They worked on ‘little’ problems before marriage, knowing that if they didn’t come to agreement then these things would become big problems after marriage (Song of Solomon 2:15-17). Of course, that took time together. They would talk walks and sit and talk. It takes time to get to know another person. Sitting alongside a person in a movie theater date after date won’t help you get to know each other very well. Communication is the key.

Friends can and do talk about anything, knowing they will be listened to and accepted, no matter what they say or feel. This must continue after marriage. It comes quickly and naturally at first, but after hurts and disappointments come, we tend to withdraw and protect ourselves from hut. We become separate islands in the same ocean, learning to function together efficiently but without the intimacy that we thought we’d always share.

It takes work to reverse this trend, and that starts at working at being friends.

TEMPERAMENTS AND FRIENDSHIPS While it isn’t possible to give this subject the time and attention it needs in this article, it is very important to understand the temperaments and how they relate to you and your spouse. I have some articles and tapes on this, but the best source of information is the temperament books by Tim LaHaye that can be found in Christian book stores. Understanding your temperament and you mate’s can be VERY helpful in understanding each other and the dynamics between you. That will help you understand your and your mate’s strengths and weakness’. This is important for the trust and understanding necessary to grow a good friendship. Make sure you avail yourself of this fine tool!

WHAT ABOUT CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHERS THAN YOUR MATE? Friendships with others are important, as long as they don’t distract from your friendship with your mate. That must come first. You mate must be fore first and best friend. If other friendships can supplement that then fine. But if they in any way substitute or subtract from that, then that is not good. God didn’t make a friend for Adam when he was alone, he made a mate. A mate is to be friend plus more.

Men need friendships with other men to help mature and sharpen them (“as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”). David and Jonathan really helped each other. This can help men talk and work through issues particular to them as men. It can give them a support as well as an accountability factor. These relationships can’t take too much time from family, though. These must go deeper than men just enjoying hobbies or work together. That isn’t real friendship ass we need it.

Women can benefit from friendships with other women in that they can talk about things that are important to them but often not important to men. Women can understand each other better than men can understand. This can’t substitute for talking with one’s husband, but can supplement it by taking some of the pressure off of him. When handled correctly it can help a woman better give to her husband. These can especially be helpful when a husband travels and is away for some time. Again, she can never go to others to have needs met that her husband should be meeting. Too many wives use children, friends or career to substitute for needs their husbands aren’t meeting. Instead those needs must go unmet. Take them to God for Him to help you with them, but don’t go to others with them.

What about opposite sex friendships with someone other than your mate? That’s OK if it is casual and distant, but if too much closeness develops it can very easily take away from the husband wife relationship. It can also cause legitimate jealousy. If they intrude on you mate’s territory in any way they are wrong. Be very careful of these, they can explode on you!

Anyway, make sure you put a priority on developing your friendship with you mate. There is no substitute for it. Friendship is the entrance into a good marriage and home.

6. How to

DELINEATE DIFFERENCES

I don’t remember much about kindergarten, but I do remember a few things. I remember the little mats to roll out and lay on to sleep. I remember the cookies and milk. I remember the cloak room for coats. And I remember “the girls.” It was my first exposure to them as a group. Miss Berger, our teacher, worked hard to get us to mingle. We sat boy-girl, boy-girl. We stood in line boy-girl, boy-girl. We played games together. But at recess the boys still gathered in one spot and the girls in another. It was that way all through elementary school. In Junior High it was the same thing. During physical education we had dance class in the gym. You’ve got it – the boys stood on one side of the room and the girls on the other. It’s still the same today. Have you been to a wedding reception lately? It’s not that we have anything against the opposite sex, it’s just that we are more comfortable with members of our own sex.

Many today say men and women are the same, interchangeable, and the only differences are from cultural conditioning. They say woman make just as good soldiers and men just as good mothers. Then Newsweek recently had an article that said no, wait a minute – there are basic differences (and not just physically). God’s word has said this all along. God created Adam, then He created Eve to “fill up the empty spaces” (literal Hebrew translation of “suitable helper” in Gen. 2:18). Eve was swayed by her emotions when Satan pressured her to eat from the forbidden tree. That’s why Satan attacker her and not Adam first. Thus God says that the woman should be under the man in decision-making responsibility (Genesis 3:16; I Timothy 2:11-15). It’s not a matter of man or woman being superior to the other, it’s just that one is placed over the other in God’s chain of command. Because men, as a whole, tend to be more rational man is to be the leader. The more emotional women excel at relationships. Below is a very general listing of the differences.

Admittedly these are generalizations. I do realize that it can be very frustrating for some people when gender differences are painted in such broad strokes, since there’s such a large spectrum of what women are like and what men are like. Simplifying and overstating basic differences can help them to be easier seen. This can be quite helpful in understanding ourselves and our mates. In fact, without realizing these basic differences, though, many painful experiences can happen in a marriage. We MUST understand ourselves and our mates in order to better love, support, communicate and get along together.

I do have one disclaimer, though. In 20% to 25% of couples there is a flip-flop of these characteristics and roles. The man is the outgoing, relational one and the woman has trouble expressing personal thoughts and feelings. Everything in the columns is true, it’s just the title on the top of the columns that is reversed. If this is your case, never fear – you aren’t alone!

To better understand these differences, as well as substantiate them, the following chart uses the Bible to show the basic differences between men and women.

MEN COMPETE One example of the differences we are talking about is that men naturally want to win, to be in front. We have a need to prove ourselves and our competency. Women play to relax and relate, but men play to win. Men compete when they drive and park (have to find the closest parking spot). Watch your boys growing up. They compete in everything: burps, gross stories, first done eating, etc.

The following quote from “The H.I.M . Book” by Chris Fabry illustrates this well. “Soon after my wife and I went to counseling I began to see how I was caught in a vicious downward spiral of competition. I competed with her at parenting tasks. Could I diaper faster and with more precision? I competed at driving the car. I competed at being nicer to my in-laws. When I began to see the problem of my competitive spirit, I competed over who was getting healthier faster. I claimed that I had a better handle on the issues of competition, thereby nullifying my claim. That realization was a bitter defeat, but I did realize it first.”

Often this competition to be first and right hurts a women , for she takes it personally. It isn’t meant that way. It’s just that being wrong is very, very difficult for men for it means we lose. If we lose we feel like we are failures. God has built it into men to be the leaders, protectors and providers of their families. Even minor failure can really devastate us.

MEN WANT CONTROL For much the same God-given reason, men want/need to be in control. We need that to protect and provide for our families. Often we take it too far, though, and exercise control over our families. We try to run them as do our TV’s with the remote control. Perhaps that’s why there are so many jokes about men and TV remote controls – the TV is one thing in life we CAN exercise total control over, and we don’t want to give it up!

Men feel they need control over their environment in order to feel safe. As little boys so many out-of-control things in our families hurt us, so our defense is to be in control and not at the mercy of anyone or anything. We equate control with safety.

MEN DON’T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP Men have a reputation of not asking for help, counsel, instructions or directions. I read recently that if it had been three wise women instead of men they would have asked for directions and arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

You must understand that men get their sense of self from achievement. We tend to be task-oriented and being self-reliant is very important. To ask for help is an admission of failure and dependency, and we see that as a weakness.

MEN DON’T LIKE TO SHOP Fridays are our day off. I’ll make a list of things to accomplish that day and charge into it, efficiently trying to do as much as I can as quickly as I can. Sometimes, though, I’ll need to run to the hardware store to get something. Nancy will get wind of this and, since this is our ‘day off,’ she’ll want to spend time with me and come along. Next thing I know we’re at the shopping center or a clothing store, and then its a furniture store or gift shop. We browse and wander. Nancy makes small talk, acting like she’s having a good time, holding my hand and drawing the whole thing out. Well, I have my little ways of communicating impatience, after all I do have my list to conquer ASAP. Nancy snaps out of her mood and we rush home and get back to work. Later that evening, when I’m done with my list and feeling victorious about my accomplishments, I’ll want to get close and cuddle up to Nancy. However, she’s sort of stiff, not much eye contact, friendly but not warm, even unresponsive to my advances. Why? What happened? Men may not know, but women certainly understand. You see, men are compartmentalized and focus on one thing at a time. What happens at the store has no connection to what happens in the bedroom. Women, however, are not that way. They are connected, and what happens in the morning has everything to do with what happens at night!

We’ve already seen that men like to be in control of things and don’t like to ask for help. Maybe that’s why we don’t like to shop. Oh, we’ll ‘hunt’ for something specific, making a challenge out of it, something to control and conquer. If we’re competing against the clock or the project, we’ll go to the store to purchase something. But to wander around, aimlessly talking and wasting time, that usually doesn’t appeal to men. Women shop to enjoy the process, as a way of relating with the one they are with. Men shop to get to the final product – having it done. When I go to the mall with my wife to shop, it takes several hours of looking here and there, returning to the first store, making several purchases because she isn’t sure which is right (most of which are returned next rip to the mall) and then second-guessing herself while shopping for the next item on the list. When my sons and I go to the mall, watch out! As we drive there we strategize as to where to best park and who should get what on the list. We plan our routes and divide up the list. We then dart through it all, being done in 20 minutes. The first one done ‘wins,’ the last one is looked down on for holding up the rest of us. Now THAT’S shopping!

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN & WOMEN SO DIFFERENT? One reason, as we already saw in Genesis 2:18, is to complement each other and balance each other. Together we have a rich spectrum of all that is needed. Often, though, friction comes from our differences instead of smooth harmony. We need to totally depend on God to blend correctly, which is another reason he made us different. We need to keep Him at the center of the relationship for it to function as it should. We can’t be all God made us to be without His help, so we absolutely and totally need to depend on Him in our marriages.

Being so different can work one of two ways. We can either blend into one wonderful union (or at least be progressing in that direction) or we can make each other miserable. Couples can make each other happier than anyone else can, but they also can make each other more miserable than anyone else can. The potential to hurt is just as great as the potential to help. The capacity we have to be built up by our mate is the same as the capacity to be torn down. The more they can please and pleasure us, the more they can hurt and frustrate us. That’s why a good, solid groundwork of friendship is so important, as we saw last time. That not only provides an understanding of the basic differences between men and women, but it also develops a patience and understanding between us. This is needed to carry through the harder times.

I encourage you to get a good grasp of these basic God-given differences. Understand your self. Understand your mate.

7. How to Handle

FEISTY FEELINGS

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Roger, do you realize that , as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine it seems like a very loud silence . She thinks to herself: Gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship , either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . lets see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship , more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed even before I sensed it that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected .

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again . I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they’d better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather ? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck , and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry , too . Oh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say its only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs .

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is now in pain because of my self-centered, school-girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty . I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

"Roger", Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, completely startled.

"Please don’t torture yourself like this", she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so . . . "

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I’m such a fool", Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse."

"There’s no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I’m a fool, don’t you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It’s just that .